Old and New Jokes

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor
gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing
physically wrong with him,and then told him,
Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just
have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.

I know said the man,
but I cant. My wife refuses to sleep alone.

An old man and his wife live isolated in the hills. One day, a peddler comes selling his wares. The old man spots a mirror and says, howd you get a picture of my pappy? He then buys it immediately but fearing his wifes anger at his reckless spending, hides the mirror in the barn and creeps out to gaze at it from time to time.Eventually the wife gets suspicious of his frequent vists, so one night she waits until hes asleep and sneaks out to the barn. Right away she sees the mirror behind the boxes and picks it up. So! she says. This is the hussy hes been foolin around with!

Did you ever wonder about how morals interact with geography? For example, in
New York City, you might find a ham n egg joint that has a bookies office in
the back. In Tel Aviv, its a bookies office with a ham n egg joint in the
back.

FROM: Brian G. Gordon, CAE Systems Division of Tektronix, Inc.

10. No one ever steals your seat.
9. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if its like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

   …and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:

1. Your boss is always yelling I wanna see your ass in here by 8 in the morning!

-=} Randall {=- A naked man fears no pickpockets.

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: Youll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I dont want you to

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.

Q: How many alt.freaks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just all move into a room with a working light.

¿Qué harías si sorprendes a tú mujer con otro hombre en tu cama?

¡Lo primero que haría es tirar al perro por la ventana y meterle el bastón al tipo por el culo!

Pero, ¿cuál perro y cuál bastón?

Es que el que se quiera acostar con mi mujer… ¡Tiene que estar ciego!

A guy is walking thru the woods with a shotgun, hunting for bears, when all
of a sudden he sees one. He shoots at it, but misses.

The bear, annoyed, goes up to the guy: Did you just shoot at me?

Guy says, Yeaa…

Bend over! says the bear. Or Ill eat you.

The guy figures, Fuck! Its a bear! so he bends over, and the bear
fucks him up the ass.

Next day, same guy, bigger shotgun, same bear. Did you just shoot at me?

Yeaaaa…

Bend over!

So the guy figures, Fuck! Its a bear! …and gets it up the ass again.

Third day, same thing… Did you just shoot at me?

Yeaaaa…

So the bear goes, Ummm… You dont come here to hunt, do you?