Old and New Jokes

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings — they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you dont succeed–try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile–It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork–words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isnt just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who dont work here anymore.

And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology.

When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply, Theres lots of openings!

I love my job, I love the pay.

I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss; he is the best.

I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location.

I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray,

and the paper that piles up every day.

I love my chair in my padded cell.

Theres nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers.

I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;

I hug it often though it dont care.

I love each program and every file,

I try to understand once in a while.

Im happy to be here, I am, I am.

Im the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.

I love this work; I love these chores.

I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job – Ill say it again.

I even love these friendly men.

These men whove come to visit today.

In lovely white coats to take me away.

A son finished eating his apple and asked his father if he could have another. Another apple? yelled his father, What, do you think they grow on trees?

Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.







In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.





About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and cant believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:





When we spent the night at the widows mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?





Why, yes I did.





And did you use my name?





Why, yes how did you know?





Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!

Cesium

Cesium, tis of thee,
Thy positivity,
Of thee I sing.
Thou whose hydroxide, dis-
solved my wife when she died,
Glorious too, for suicide,
Here, death, is thy sting.

—Songs of Cesium #65

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

The place where most household accidents occur.

Doesnt expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?