Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because youre here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you dont, well have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"The guy replied, "24 years."St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times… but you said I was forgiven."Peter said, "Yes, but thats not too good. Heres a Pinto for you to drive."The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."Peter said, "Im pleased to hear that. Heres a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."The third guy said, "Peter, I know what youre going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didnt even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"Peter said, "Now thats what I like to hear! Heres a Jaguar for you to drive." A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
Idiot #1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
Idiot #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Idiot #3
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, Because I dont believe you are over 21. The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didnt believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot #4
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop, nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, Nobody move! When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot #5
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that hed just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Idiot #6
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldnt open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they werent available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Idiot #7
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasnt the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said OK and left. He was arrested few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Idiot #8
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained a picture of handcuffs.
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, Mom Ive got a problem. She says, Tell me. He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesnt understand. She asks him what are they. He says well, pussy and bitch. She says, Oh thats no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy. He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, Dad the boys at school are using words I dont know, and I asked mom and I dont think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says, Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters. She cant handle them. What are the words? He tells him… pussy and bitch. Dad says, OK, and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, son, everything inside this circle, is pussy. OK, dad, so whats a bitch? Son, he says, everything outside that circle.
whats does micheal jackson and Wal-mart have in common?
your momma is so fat, she has more chins than the hong kong phone book.
your momma is so big, when she went to the airport and told them she wanted to fly, they stamped goodyear on her ass and put her on a runway.
your momma is so fat, she uses a vcr as a beeper.
your momma is so fat, she influences the tide.
Your mother is so stupid, on her application under education she put HOOKED ON PHONICS
your momma is so stupid, she failed a blood test.
your momma is so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.
your momma is so old, she proof read the ten commandments.
your momma is so stupid, on here application under sex, she put twice a week.
your momma is so dumb, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 miniutes.
your mommas so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on the soul train.
your momma is so dumb, she got fired from the M & Ms factory for throwing away all the Ws.
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, Take another drink! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, That boy should have quit while he was a head.
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)
7. This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.
8. To shut down your system, type WIN
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
15. User Error: Replace user.
16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 – Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)
17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
What is the difference between bushs tie and horses tail ?
horses tail covers the whole asshole.
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! Youve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
You know youre in a redneck hotel when you phone the front office and say, "Ive got a leak in the sink." And they say, "Go ahead!"