Old and New Jokes

The average American spends six hours a day watching a TV.

The average Japanese person spends one hour a day making six TVs.

A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a drawing he
was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother finally looked over
his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked Whos that youre drawing, son?
The son answered, God.
Dont be silly, reproved the mother. Nobody knows what God looks
like.
Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly, They will
when Im finished!

A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, Did God make you, Grandpa? Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, Did God make me too? Yes, He did, the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. You know, Grandpa, she said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

POLITICIAN – A person who divides all available time between running for office and running for cover.

From: Lela Lowe – llowe@admin.aurora.edu

Jay Leno: This is a rough election year. … Huffingtons illegal nanny has started running negative ads against Feinsteins illegal nanny
(Tonight, NBC, 11/4).

David Letterman: Big election on Tuesday and that means just about now Ted Kennedy should be auditioning strippers for the victory party.
(Late Show, CBS, 11/4).

David Letterman, on the ugly campaign: You look at some of these races around the country and you think its just a damn shame somebody has to win.

Letterman: President Clinton is the only president weve ever had who when someone holds up a baby, he doesnt know whether to kiss it or deny knowing the mother
(Late Show, CBS, 11/7).

Jay Leno, on Huffington calling Sens. Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein the Thelma and Louise of CA politics: Thats got to be tough being attacked by the Forrest Gump of American politics.

Leno: You can tell the candidates are getting desperate in the last hours of the campaign. Yesterday, Ollie North stopped lying and Chuck Robb slept with his own wife
(Tonight, NBC, 11/7).

Conan OBrien, on George Foreman knocking out Michael Moorer: Its amazing that a guy in his mid-forties, who cant stop eating cheeseburgers is that powerful. I mean, besides President Clinton
(Late Night, NBC, 11/7).

From: Orlando Doc Griego – ovgcsu@lamar.colostate.edu

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

This woman, who just recently became a mother of two beautiful twin baby boys, was visited by her best friend.

Her friend was remarked by the twins and asked: They look exactly alike. How do you tell them apart?

The mother responded, Oh thats easy, by their balls … One balls all day and one balls all night.

Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?

A: Theyd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

Q: Whats Bill Clintons least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Este era una viejo, que estaba con su vieja esposa en el registro civil, para anular su matrimonio. El Sr. Juez le dice:

¿Se quiere divorciar a su edad?

¡Sí!

¿Pero por qué?

Pasa que mi doctor me dijo que podía tener sexo una vez al año, sin que esto me implicara ploblemas a mi salud.

¿Y su esposa no quiere tener sexo con usted?

Y el viejo enojado le dice:

¡no, lo que ocurre es que esta desgraciada quiere que desperdicie esa noche de sexo con ella!