Old and New Jokes

Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.

This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample.

So the girl At the front desk says to him. Thank you for coming.

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, rather curious. He
had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the older boys and he
wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his
mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny,
she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister
and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described
everything he saw to his mother…

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the
lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her, I figured sis must be getting
sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because
he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would.
Except hes not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble
finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold
because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to
moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This
was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was
really hot.

Finally, I found what was making them so sick – a big eel had gotten inside his
pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches
long. Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

Whatchamaclit, when sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big and her
mouth fell open and she started calling to God and what not. She said it was the
biggest one shed ever seen – I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a
sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she
grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his
pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he
helped her by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a helluva fight. Sis
started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess
they wanted to kill the eel.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up
and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung
there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were
a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He
started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasnt dead! It jumped
straight up and started to fight again, I guess that eels are like cats, they
have nine lives or something.

This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a
35-minute struggle they finally killed it again. I knew it was dead this time
because I saw siss boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying I know that, in your religion, youre not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, Your religion, too…I know youre supposed to be celibate. But….

The priest replied, Yes, I know what youre going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, Better than pork, isnt it?

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”

Un homosexual va caminando por una playa y sorprendido grita:

¡Ay, un Sireno! ¡Un Sireno!

Y el supuesto Sireno dice:

!Qué Sireno, ni qué Sireno! ¡ES UN TIBURÓN QUE ME ESTÁ COMIENDO!

Photographer for the Miss Nude Octogenarian pageant
Laxative tester
Internet spelling/grammar corrector
Certified Pubic Accountant
Any job in the White House if youre wearing a skirt.

And that includes the poor bagpipe players.
Depends Undergarment Maximum Load Tester
Jessie Venturas press secretary
Restroom attendant at the Texas Chili Competition
NYPD Blue Makeup Specialist, Butt Division

This is email received today.

Hello, drkoop.com members! This weeks newsletter is packed with information on parenting, protecting yourself from ultraviolet rays and more. Plus, mark your calendars for two upcoming spotlight events – dealing with back pain hosted by Dr. Michael Sinel and living a healthy lifestyle with supermodel Kathy Ireland. Until next week, good health to you!

Id like to try that lifestyle!

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldnt find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, Great, so now youre cheating on me with a bald woman!

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. Oh, please excuse me! said the bunny. I didnt mean to trip over you, but Im blind and cant see.

Thats perfectly all right, replied the snake. To be sure, it was my fault. I didnt mean to trip you, but Im blind too, and I didnt see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?

Well, I really dont know, said the bunny. Im blind, and Ive never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, Well, youre soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!

Then he said, I cant thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?

And the snake replied that he didnt know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, Well, what kind of an animal am I?

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, Youre hard, youre cold, youre slimy and you havent got any balls… You must be a lawyer.