Old and New Jokes

OFF THE WIRE

News We Just Couldnt Pass Up

A bad-tempered parrot named Henry has been banned from a national womens lawn-bowling championship in Britain for laughing and making disrespectful remarks.
Students protesting militarism in Israel wanted more than a banner to reach the public – so they painted an army tank memorial bubble-gum pink.
A 13-year-old Ugandan girl was forced to marry her elder sisters husband-to-be after the bride eloped hours before a traditional marriage ceremony.
A Russian political group will award $3,000 to the person who provides the best joke about its opponents in Decembers parliamentary elections.
After two days baking, 10,000 eggs and 9 tons of flour, Chilean cooks finished what they claimed was the worlds largest cake. It weighed 25 tons.
Esso Singapore has hired 10 university students to sing and dance for customers while filling their gas tanks and wiping their windows.
In Kissimmee, Fla., Ronald Legendre promised to love and honor his bride forever. His best man was Ronald Legendre and Judge Ronald Legendre pronounced the happy couple husband and wife. The three men are not related.
An Ohio woman collected a $500 judgement from a telemarketer who called her once too often.
Romanian police found a couple making love in a Bucharest park and fined them the equivalent of $25 for damaging the grass, which carries steeper fines than indecent exposure.
A country bandleader thanked Medford, Ore., doctors who relieved his prostate problems with a serenade – during the operation. He was under local anesthetic.

Compiled by Ivan Weiss, From The Seattle Times, Saturday, August 19, 1995. Reprinted without permission.

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures hes referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and…

He is interrupted by the doctor, And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.

Yes! Exactly! How did you know?

Well I am the worlds greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.

Two weeks go by and the man is back, Well, how do you feel?

Doc, Im a new man! I feel great! I havent had a headache since I started this treatment! I cant thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home.

Three Browns fans were standing in line at a convenience store complaining about how the Steelers made it to the Super Bowl instead of their beloved Browns.

I blame the management staff, said the first, because if they would sign eleven new players we could be a great side.

I blame the coach and the players, said the second, because if they would make some effort they might at least score a few touchdowns.

I blame my parents, said the third, because if I’d been born in Pittsburgh instead of Cleveland, I’d be supporting a decent team!

Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns dont work!

Michelle Singletary, personal finance columnist for the Washington Post, wanted to find out who is the biggest cheapskate America.

The Top 3 winners:

The husband who gave his wife subscriptions to many of her favorite magazines on Christmas 2000. He scoured yard sales to find Conde Nast Traveler, Vegetarian Gourmet, Bon Appetit and other magazines and news magazine publications dating back from 1992.

The second place winner goes to another romantic couple. Seems the husband takes his wife to Wal-Mart for her birthday. They visit the greeting card aisle where he chooses the most expensive card on the rack. He presents it to his wife, she reads it and places it back on the display.

Third place went to BJ, an 11-year old who washes and reuses his drinking straws.

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

Oh, this is terrible, exclaims St. Peter, I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we werent expecting you, your quarters just arent ready… We cant take you in and we cant send you back.

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. Theyre ours, but we werent expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. Itll only be a couple of days. What dya say?

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, Two days later St. Peter got a call. Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!

An Indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesnt have a name.

So the Indian girl asks, Whats the difference?, to which the clerk replies, The generic brand is cheaper. So the Indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.

The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, I have found a name for this toilet paper.

Curious the clerk says, Well what is it?

The girl replies, John Wayne, because its rough and its tough and it dont take no crap from Indians.

During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.

Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.



Thats it? said the exasperated neighbor. What if your father and grandfather had been horse thieves?



Well… Joe replied, I suppose then Id be a Democrat like you.

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – Doctor, I dont know what the problem is, but Ive been farting all the time. Its not really a problem socially because they dont make any noise and dont smell. I just cant stop farting all the time. In fact while Ive been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.



The doctor nods and gives her some pills. Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.



So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. What kind of medicine is this? Im still farting just as much? They still dont make any noise, but now they stink terribly!



The doctor nodded, Its alright, now that we have your sinus cleared up, well work on your hearing next!