Old and New Jokes

Did you hear the Surgeon Generals latest product advisory? Liquor bottles will carry the phrase, Warning: alcohol can make members of the opposite sex appear for more attractive than they actually are.

Study each true and false statement carefully. Mark a T for true or an F for false in the space provided to the left of each statement.

___ 1. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
___ 2. Spread-eagle is an extinct bird.
___ 3. A clitoris is a type of flower.
___ 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
___ 5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
___ 6. A G-string is a part of a violin.
___ 7. Semen is another word for sailors.
___ 8. Anus is the latin word for yearly.
___ 9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
___10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles.
___11. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.
___12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
___13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
___14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
___15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
___16. A condom is an apartment complex.
___17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
___18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
___19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
___20. A lesbian is a person from the middle east.
___21. An erection is when the Japanse vote for their new government officials.
___22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.
___23. Pornography is the business of making record albums.
___24. Genitals are people of non-jewish origins.
___25. Douche is the Italian word for Twelve.
___26. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
___27. Ovaries are a french egg dish made with cheese.
___28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus.

Well, my fine feathered friends… I wont be around for a spell… (Mommy and daddy say I cant come out and play – coz I was a baaad, baaad girl) Keep em cummin… Look forward to reading some good ones when I return! In the words of Arnold… lll be back…

Jill

A: Hair transplants.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

1.yo mama so short she has to get a running start to get on the toilet seat



2.yo mama so fat she steps outside and makes a solar eclipse





3.yo mama so old she got powdered milk…



(add water)





4.yo mama so fat i tried to drive around her and ran out of gas on the way





5.yo mama so slutty she can suck start a car





6.yo mamas like a tv even a two year old can turn her on





7.yo mama so stupid if you paid her a penny for her thoughts youd get back change





8.yo mamas like a shotgun one cock and she blows





9.yo mama so poor she needs a discount at the dollar store





10.yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone





11.yo mama like a bag of fritos…fri-to-lay





12.yo mama so fat you have to roll over two times just to get off her





13.yo mama so stupid she sits on the tv and watches the couch





14.yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gas money





15.yo mama so ugly she makes blind kids cry

A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says:

I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find that unusual? Yes, she replied, I find it very unusual… He hated the book!

Toes Go In First

LYRICS:

Simply take one word or phrase from each of the three columns below, in order to make one line. Repeat randomly four times. Repeat process again twice to make chorus. Repeat last line 17 times. Dont worry if they dont make sense.

Column 1Column 2Column 3
Move itTriple BeatThe City Streets
Get UpBody HeatYoull be Humpin
Pump It UpFeel the BeatBefore the Night is Over
Get DownGet AroundShake your Meat
Shake itThe Joint Is JumpinBustin Loose
Pump the JamFeet are StompinDisco Heat

BACKBEAT:

Program a drum machine in neverending 4/4 time. Add occasional snare.

BODY:

Add monotonous bass in one key. Overlay with punchy sounding synth. Get previously unknown singer to talk the lyrics so as not to test the range of the vocal chords.

PRODUCTION:

Put above ingredients together on master tape. Press discs. Give the label a suitably techno-funk sounding name, like Mixmastermeatbeaters. Sell 5 million copies to unsuspecting public. Win MTV Award.

The sad thing is the public will think youve been creative…

Better still, this process can be automated via a lyric C program, a random synth base and music generator, and the discs mastered directly by computer control.

This relieves the composer of decisions regarding which phrases and notes to use in production. By pressing the {RET} key, more than 100 CDs a week can be generated.

This I have done, below is a sample composition guaranteed to make megabucks:

Get down by Mixmastermeatbeaters

Get down the joint is jumpin youll be humpin Shake it feet are stompin in the city streets Pump the jam feel the beat with disco heat Move it get around til the night is over

(chorus) Get down to triple beat shake your meat Pump it up get around in the city streets

Pump the jam to triple beat youll be humpin Shake it get body heat til the night is over Get up the joint is jumpin youll be humpin Pump it up feet are stompin Im bustin loose

(chorus) Get down to triple beat shake your meat Pump it up get around in the city streets

Pump it up get around in the city streets Pump it up get around in the city streets Pump it up get around in the city streets etc…

The nurse replies, Calm down. Is this her first child?He says, No! This is her husband!.

Dos amigos se encuentran y tienen ganas de hacer bromas; uno le pregunta al otro:

“Bueno, ¿sabes cuál es el límite entre la desesperación y la locura?”

“No”.

“Ah, entonces levanta la otra extensión del teléfono y escucha”.

“Pero, son las tres de la mañana, ¿a quién vas a llamar a esta hora?”

“Sólo escucha. (Al azar, el bromista revisa la guía de teléfonos hasta encontrar un número)”.

“Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing.”

Le responde una voz de mujer con mucho sueño:

“Dígame”.

“Por favor, con Pepe”.

La mujer, bostezando, responde:

“¡Aaag, aquí no vive ningún Pepe!” (Y cuelga).

El guasón repite la llamada y le responde la misma voz, pero un poco molesta:

“¡Dígame!”

“Por favor, con Pepe”.

Amodorrada y muy molesta, responde:

“¡¡Aaag!! Oiga, ¿será usted bobo? ¡Ya le dije que aquí no vive ningún Peeepe!” (Y cuelga bruscamente).

La llamada se repite una y otra vez, en cada ocasión la mujer se molesta más y más. Penúltima llamada:

“Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing”.

La mujer ya no puede de la indignación, pues lleva más de una hora sin dormir:

“¡Díigaame!”

“Por favor, con Pepe”.

Bostezando y muy molesta, la mujer revienta:

“¡¡¡ AAAEEEGGGGG!!! ¡¡¡LE DIJE QUE AQUÍ NO VIVE PEPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

El bromista se dirige al otro:

“Esa es la desesperación, ahora verás la locura…”

“Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing”.

“¡Díigaaameeeeee!”

“Oiga, yo soy Pepe, ¿no me han dejado ningún recado por ahí?”

“¡¡¡¡¡AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGG!!!!!”