Take all American women who are within five years of
menopause – train us for a few weeks, outfit us with
automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with
SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna -drop us
(parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of
Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing
standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is
formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.
Weve had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to
protect them and their future. Wed like to get away from
our husbands, if they havent left already. And for those of
us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with
whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning.
We have nothing to lose.
Weve survived the water diet, the protein diet, the
carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and
saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily
survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no
food at all!
Weve spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in
bars, hardware stores, or sporting events…finding bin
Laden in some cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new
government? Oh, please … weve planned the seating
arrangements for in-laws and extended families at
Thanksgiving dinners for years … we understand tribal
warfare.
Between us, weve divorced enough husbands to know every
trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank
accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money
and we know how to seize it … with or without the
governments help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their
terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their
godforsaken terrain.
Im going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!
A woman is in a dentists office…
Dentist: Maam, that tooth looks very bad, and Im going to have to pull it.
Woman: Get my tooth pulled? Id rather go through childbirth.
Dentist: Well, make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair.
One of *my* favorite countryfied sayins from Brother Dave Gardner:
Son, Im gonna hit you on your head so hard, youre hum like a ten-penny finishin nail hit with a greasy ball-peen hammer.
It was dusk time when a man had a flat tire right in front of a mental health hospital. After unscrewing the four nuts of the flat tire, he noticed that a hospital patient is watching him from over a nearby embankment. He managed to step on the hubcap in which he had carefully placed the nuts. To his dismay, the nuts went flying into the grass on the side of the road. So he got on his hands and knees and started searching in vain for the nuts in the semi-darkness.
A few minutes later he heard the mental patient chuckle, so he shouted at him irritably, What are you laughing at?
The other guy explained: Well, you have three other tires, each of which has four nuts… If you were to take one nut from each, youll end up with four tires being held in place with three nuts per tire. This should be safe enough for you to drive to the next town over, where you can buy a new set of nuts.
Embarrassed, the poor car driver couldnt help asking, How come youre so clever and youre in a mental hospital?
The patient replied, I may be crazy, but Im not stupid!
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. Ill help you get the wagon up later.
Thats mighty nice of you, Willis answered, but I dont think Pa would like me to.
Aw come on boy, the farmer insisted.
Well okay, the boy finally agreed, and added, but Pa wont like it.
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.
Dont be foolish! the neighbor said with a smile. By the way, where is he?
Under the wagon!
Se encontraba un matrimonio viendo noticias en la tv cuando escucharon un zumbido extraño. El marido se asoma y ve descender un ovni. Asombrado, le dice a su pareja, Mira flaca, un ovni. Del aparato bajan una pareja de extraterrestres de 1.40 m, y el matrimonio los invita a pasar a su casa. Después de varios tragos y mucha charla deciden experimentar un cambio de parejas, total que nadie lo iba a saber…
Al dÃa siguiente se van los e.t. y la pareja los despide, ella feliz y él ojeroso. Ya que se han ido, el marido le pregunta a su mujer cómo le fue y ella feliz le dice: Mira, se quitó la ropa y veo una pichita chiquita, más que la tuya, pero empieza a jalarse la oreja hacia un lado y empieza a hacerse anchota, se la jala para abajo y se empieza a hacer larga larga y vieras qué rico y eterno se me hizo.
El hombre, todo consternado, le dice: Con razón la marciana se dedicó a jalarme las orejas toda la noche.
Doña Julia era una señora muy rica. Un dÃa murió y al leer su testamento encuentran que habÃa dejado 600 mil dólares con instrucciones a su fiel sirviente don Manuel para que destinara 300 mil de ese capital al cuidado del gato y los otros 300 mil para los funerales del animal a todo lujo, con misa cantada por 3 sacerdotes, mausoleo en el cementerio, etc.
Don Manuel cuidó a Teodoro hasta que el gato murió seis meses después. El hombre, deseoso de cumplir la voluntad de su finada patrona va a la iglesia vecina y habla con el padre Juan:
Oiga, padre, ¿cuánto valdrÃa un entierro de primera clase, recogiendo al muerto en la casa, trayendo al finado a la iglesia y haciéndole una misa solemne con 3 sacerdotes, para después acompañarlo al cementerio para que usted bendiga la tumba en el mausoleo?
El religioso lo medita y suelta:
Bueno, hijo, eso podrÃa salir en unos 200 mil dólares, pero ¿quién es el muerto?
El muerto es el gato Teodoro. Doña Julia lo querÃa mucho…
El clérigo lo interrumpe furioso:
¡¿Queeé?! ¿Usted quiere que yo haga el entierro de un gato? ¿Qué lo recoja en la casa y le celebre una misa con 3 padres y vaya luego a bendecir su tumba? ¡Fuera de aquÃ! ¡Lárgate o te saco a patadas de esta santa casa de Dios! ¡Fuera!
Cuando el cura sacaba al pobre tipo a empujones de la sacristÃa, éste alcanzó a balbucir:
No me empuje, señor cura, yo me voy. Iré a otra iglesia donde me puedan recibir los 300 mil dólares que doña Julia dejó para el entierro de su gato.
Al oÃr esto el sacerdote se detiene diciendo:
Oiga, ¿qué fue lo que dejó la señora Julia?
Verá usted, al morir doña Julia dejó 300 mil dólares para pagar el entierro de su adorado gato. El pobre se murió ayer, y ella querÃa un entierro solemne y especial para su adorado Teodoro.
Y sin que pudiera el hombre decir una palabra más, el cura lo interviene:
¡Hombre, hombre, por amor de Dios! ¿Por qué no me dijo usted que el gato era católico?
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a childs whispered, Hello? Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?
Yes, whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him? the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the all voice whispered, No.
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mommy there?
Yes, came the answer. May I talk with her?
Again the small voice whispered, no.
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. Is there any one there besides you? the boss asked the child.
Yes whispered the child, A policeman.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss asked May I speak with the policeman?
No, hes busy, whispered the child.
Busy doing what?, asked the boss. Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, What is that noise?
A hello-copper, answered the whispering voice.
What is going on there?, asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, The search team just landed the hello-copper
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, Why are they there?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: Theyre looking for me
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Make me one with everything
Tormenting Telmarketers – A Game You Can Play at Home!
Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new Scourge of
the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered
if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well,
the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own
phones. We need to take the market out of Telemarketing.
Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales.
If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy
what you are selling.
Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can. For each
minute that you waste means several potential customers that
will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging
up only increases the changes for them to make a sale. Dont
let this happen!
Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making
minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. Its
easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and werent
using your phone anyway. Its easy to keep them interested
using attentive grunting, similar to when your mother calls.
Scoring:
Basic Point System:
For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts.
Getting transfered to someone who makes
more than minimum wage 15 pts
For each minute spent on the phone with
person making more than minimum wage 25 pts
Bonus Points:
Getting them to repeat part of the script 5 pts/each
Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each
Changing the subject 50 pts/each
Making the sales person angry 175 pts
Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts
Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
the salesman used profanity 1500 pts
Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts
Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as
a free Phone Sex line 50 pts
Checking the number a week later and it is
busy or disconnected 5000 pts
Example:
<Ring>
Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, Im with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning
and were in your area […]
[start clock->] Them: […] would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure…
Them: Well, we are currently offering […]
Them: […] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house?
[15 bonus pts!] Them: Let me transfer you to <???>
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes?
[25 pts/min!] Them: How large is your house?
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: […] Well, that would be about $xxx
[stupid ?] Me: It wont hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a […this usually takes some time!…]
and is completely safe.
[stupid ?] Me: Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use […]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with […]
[repeat!] Me: But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
include treating for pets?
Them: […]
[subject change]Me: Well, it is kindof dirty. The guys were over for
the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasnt that
a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house…
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: […]
[subject change]Me: Do you clean furniture, too? Those guys spilled some
beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before?
But what a game, eh?! I couldnt believe that they
couldnt move the ball in the second quarter…
[…]
[angry???] Them: Ahem… Would you like us to come out?
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm… Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?
[Okay, lets try for those last big bonus points:]
Me: Well, I dont think it matters, since I have all
hardwood floors here!
Them: Dammit! <Yes! 250 points!>
<click>