Old and New Jokes

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "Youre right,that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.

Llega el pequeño a la casa muy contento y le dice a la madre:

Mamá, en la escuela me dejaron una tarea: debo averiguar qué es diptongo y triptongo.

De diptongo no sé, hijo, pero de triptongo te doy un ejemplo, vos te acordás cuando se murió la tía Eduviges y que nosotros estuvimos un poco triptongos…

What doctors say, and what theyre really thinking:



This should be taken care of right away.

Id planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.



Welllllll, what have we here…?

He has no idea and is hoping youll give him a clue.



Let me check your medical history.

I want to see if youve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.



Why dont we make another appointment later in the week.

Im playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.

–or–

I need the bucks, so Im charging you for another office visit.



We have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, Im going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, youre going to pay for it.



Lets see how it develops.

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.



Let me schedule you for some tests.

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.



Id like to have my associate look at you.

Hes going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.



Id like to prescribe a new drug.

Im writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.



If it doesnt clear up in a week, give me a call.

I dont know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.



Thats quite a nasty looking wound.

I think Im going to throw up.



This may smart a little.

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.



Well, were not feeling so well today, are we…?

Im stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?



This should fix you up.

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.



Everything seems to be normal.

Rats! I guess I cant buy that new beach condo after all.



Id like to run some more tests.

I cant figure out whats wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.



Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?

Youre craziern an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink wholl split fees with me …



There is a lot of that going around.

My God, thats the third one this week. Id better learn something about this.



If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.

Ive never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God Im off next week.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, Did God make you, Grandpa?

Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, Did God make me too?

Yes, He did, the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. You know, Grandpa, she said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

squiffy 🙂

Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
Im a big girl I wont cry,
Im just glad that cows dont fly.

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Its best for employers that I not work with people.

Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one, and
absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit
a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job: The boss insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: None. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.

I am being an expert working on the Bananna Vines network.

I am sure to be a great ass to your company.

I am a jack-of-all-trades but not a jack-of-all-asses.

Heres a personal contribution from a cover letter I received:

Dear Mr. Sap Guy,

I am enclosing my resume herewithe for your kind perusal. I like to work very
hard for you company. I am having 6 weeks of SAP R/3 training which is
equivalence to 2 yearts professional experiments. I can speaking my very good
english for you to like. Please contact me at your fastest conferencing to
discuss now job holes.

Awaiting your contact,

X.