Old and New Jokes

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. Who goes there? inquired St. Peter.

Its me, Bill Clinton.

What bad things did you do on Earth?

Clinton thought a bit and answered, Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldnt hold that against me because I didnt inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldnt hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didnt commit perjury.

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, OK, heres the deal. Well send you someplace where it is very hot, but we wont call it Hell. Youll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we wont call it eternity. Dont abandon all hope upon entering but dont hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesnt hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, What the hecks goin on up here? Were havin a grand time downstairs! One of the Blondes looks up and says, Yeah, but youve got a driver!

Knock, Knock Whos There? The Interruptive Cow The Interrupti… MOOOO

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.

You cant win. You cant break even. You cant quit the game.

Yo mama so fat she walks on the beach in a blue shirt and every body runs screaming, Tidal Wave!!!

Never slap a man who chews tobacco.

There are many many more asses in the world than donkeys.

Wooden legs are not hereditary, wooden heads are.

Free cheese is always in a mouse trap.

An ugly carpet will last forever.

Q: Whats the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?

A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.

The scene – Husband and wife in bed.

The story – Husband rolls over to wife and taps her in the shoulder.

Wife says Not tonight sweetheart I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning.

Five minutes elapses – Husband rolls over again and taps wife on the shoulder and says Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?