…and gets a call from a friend.
I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, Im sending him over. The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
A female horth, the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth. Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. OK, what about the earsth?
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. OK, finally, Id like to see her twat. With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, Perhapth I should rephrase. Id like to see her run!
Women One Liners
1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why dont women blink during foreplay? They dont have time.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Not one will stop to ask directions.
4. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
5. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We dont know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.
10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.
12. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
Ill tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.
Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It wont be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.
If cigarettes keep going up in price, Im going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?
The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon its going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.
If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess wed be better off leaving the car in the garage.
Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.
Also, their music drives me wild. This Rock Around The Clock thing is nothing but racket.
Im afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a hell or a damn in it.
Also, it wont be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?
Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore.
Pretty soon you wont be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar.
I read the other day where some scientist thinks its possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century.They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.
Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldnt surprise me if someday theyll be making more than the president.
Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?
I never thought Id see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
Its too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
It wont be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
Marriage doesnt mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.
Ill tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they wont be able to sit down for a week.
Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?
Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops.
Im just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
Thank goodness I wont live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.
Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isnt she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer.
I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids Dont take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it.
The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.
No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.
If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country thats fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.
I dont know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, Ill just have to drink mine at home.
If they think Ill pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. Ill have my wife learn to cut hair.
We wont be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.
Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.
At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.
5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
Iba caminando una pareja en la noche por el parque, cuando pasa un borrachito con el pene fuera del pantalón.
¡Mira viejo, ese animal! exclama la señora.
Y dice el borrachito:
No se preocupe, señora, lo traigo agarrado.
A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back shes crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.
As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long!
The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.
He also said he wants to screw me all night long!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.
He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.
His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasnt doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.
The boyfriend says Im sorry Honey, – but Im not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer!
Two men walked into a bar.
You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself,
hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Whats long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
A last name.
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
Now serving live lobsters
On the menu of a restaurant
Blackened bluefish
In a Maine restaurant
Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a New Jersey restaurant
Open seven days a week and weekends.
On the walls of a Baltimore estate
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
— Sisters of Mercy
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
In a New York drugstore
We dispense with accuracy.
In a New York medical building
Mental Health Prevention Center
On a New York convalescent home
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church
In a funeral parlor
Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
Outside a country shop
We buy junk and sell antiques.
In a Tacoma, Washington mens clothing store
15 mens wool suits – $100 – They wont last an hour!
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
Parking for birds only.
In the vestry of a New England church
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
extinguished
In a laundry room
Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage.
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at OHare Field in Chicago
Do not activate with wet hands.
In a New Hampshire jewelry store
Ears pierced while you wait.
In a New York restaurant
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
Crap – .79/lb.
In a Florida maternity ward
No children allowed.
In the offices of a loan company
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
At a number of US military bases
Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of You are my one and only valentine cards
Now available in multi-packs
In the window of an Oregon general store
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
In a Pennsylvania cemetary
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves.
On the grounds of a private school
No trespassing without permission.
In a library
Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away.
On a Tennessee highway
Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
In front of a New Hampshire car wash
If you cant read this, its time you wash your car.
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.
A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from
the Transbay bus terminal
Terminal Drugs
From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell
a crew member.
On a delicatessen wall
Our best is none too good
On a roller caoster
Watch your head
On a Maine shop
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship.
In downtown Boston
Callahan Tunnel / No end.
A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
Inexpensive, Quality Daycare – Openings Day and Night.