Old and New Jokes

Había 2 aventureros argentinos en la selva misionera… pasaron largos días explorando y sobreviviendo. Cuando estaban llegando a Posadas, uno sin querer se cruza con una serpiente venenosa con tan mala suerte que ésta lo muerde en sus genitales; entonces el tipo cae al suelo y le grita al amigo:

¡Apúrate! ¡No te quedes ahí parado! ¡Anda a buscar un médico!

El otro sale disparando y llega a Posadas… allí encuentra a un médico y le dice:

Doctor, a mi amigo lo mordió una serpiente venenosa. ¿Qué hago?

Bueno, primero debe succionar en la herida, y luego me lo trae…

Entonces el tipo vuelve al lugar donde estaba su pobre amigo todo retorcido y herido que al verlo llegar le pregunta:

¿Y? ¿Qué te dijo el médico?

Y… que te vas a morir nomás…

Una mañana, el pene estaba mirando hacia abajo, todo cabizbajo y cansado; en eso, el pie voltea hacia arriba y lo ve un poco preocupado por el aspecto que mostraba y lo saluda:

¿Qué tal, pene?

¿Qué tal?

Oye, ¡qué mala cara traes el día de hoy!

Sí, ¿verdad? En cambio tú te ves muy descansado, como siempre. ¡Se ve que te tratan bien!

¡Bueno, no me quejo, me tratan bien! Te diré que cuando estoy muy cansado, me miman con baños de agua caliente, cremas refrescantes, me cortan mis uñitas, etc. Todo con tal de mantenerme contento y descansado. Pero ¿y tú? Se ve que no te tratan tan bien.

¡Cómo te envidio! En cambio a mí… Yo comienzo con el mal trato desde las mañanas, cuando me meten a bañar, parece que me quisieran ahogar, pues me aprietan el pescuezo justo cuando esta cayendo el agua sobre mí, después que termina esa tortura, me meten en una cosa que se llama calzoncillo y me traen todo el día con la mejilla pegada a la pared. Solamente me dejan salir a ciertas horas del día y eso es generalmente después de que ingieren algún liquido o comida… ¡Pero eso no es todo! Ya después de toda la jornada, yo trato de descansar y, cuando lo logro, los vecinos de atrás, que trabajan de noche, me despiertan en ocasiones para que les ayude con algo que se les haya quedado pendiente: yo creo que son mineros porque que me meten a un túnel bastante húmedo… Me meten y me sacan , me meten y me sacan… Y de lo apestoso que está… ¡ME VOMITO Y ME DESMAYO!

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, License and Registration please.



Its okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this, she said smiling.



Thats impossible! The officer replied, Ive never heard of such a license.



To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration.



She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, Can you see this?? It says so right here: Tear Along The Dotted Line.

After years of listening to her plead, a hunter finally decided to let his wife come hunting with him. He led her into the woods and left her in a blind with instructions on what to do when a deer came within range.

He had no sooner arrived at his own blind when he heard a shot coming from his wifes direction. The first shot was quickly followed by several more. He immediately ran back to see what had happened, only to find a man standing in front of his wife with his hands up shouting, OK lady, its your deer! Just let me take the saddle off!

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A: You only have to punch information into a computer once!

Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?!

.. and one of the guys says, the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE

How many of these do you remember?

Blackjack chewing gum
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
Candy cigarettes
Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Party lines
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Flyers
Butch wax
Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive – 6933)
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
S&H Green Stamps
Hi-fis
Metal ice trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Blue flashbulbs
Beanie and Cecil
Roller skate keys
Cork popguns
Drive-ins
Studebakers
Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = Youre still young

If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older

If you remembered 11-15 = Dont tell your age

If you remembered 16-25 = Youre older than dirt!

An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, You used to hold my hand when we were courting.
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: Then you used to kiss me.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you used to bite me on my neck.
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
Where are you going? she asked.
He answered, To get my teeth!

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.Tom wasnt happy about that: When are you going to learn to be polite?Bill: If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?Tom: The smaller piece, of course.Bill: What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?

An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!