Old and New Jokes

Theres this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant see a man crying.

No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring hes been out jumping new bones.

Where the hell you been all night?

she demands.

At this fantastic new saloon, he says.

The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.

Bullshit! Theres no such place! Guy says, Sure there is! Joints got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinals gold! The wife still doesnt believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old mans story.

Is this the Golden Saloon?

she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

Yes it is, bartender answers.

Do you have huge golden doors?

Sure do.

Do you have golden floors?

Most certainly do.

What about golden urinals?

Theres a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,

Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!

A: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
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A: Both are empty from the neck up.

¿Por qué a algunas mujeres les gusta tanto la pelicula de Mujer Bonita?

Porque creen que van a encontrar a un hombre guapo y millonario que las quiera y que les dé todo lo que han soñado… ¡Sin importar lo putas que hayan sido!

Whats a Jewish American Princesss idea of kinky sex?

She moves.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a
boat drinking beer all day.

If guns are outlawed, what will we shoot liberals with?

Sam Midkiff

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.

The pharmacist said, What brand of condoms to you prefer maam.

She said, Im not sure, theyre for my Camels, at which point he fainted.

You might be a redneck if…
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

(This was current 25 years ago in Montreal.)

One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local
brothel and the madam said, Youll have to wait.

But theres lots of girls that arent busy right now.

Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.

Listen, Im pretty desperate. I dont need a room.

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of
the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the
transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But its a
very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the
sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the
door, and knocks.

Go away! says the madam. We dont allow drunks in here!

I dont want in, says the drunk. I just wanted to tell
you that your sign fell down.