Old and New Jokes

A: FARFROMTHINKEN

A man wakes up one morning and theres a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, theres an ad for Gorilla Removers so he calls the number.The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. Hes got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. What are you going to do? the homeowner asks.Im going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then Im going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. Then I can get the gorilla into the back of the van.Whats the shotgun for? asks the homeowner.If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

Eventually little Johnnys turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, waited a short time and make a second small white dot next to the first.

Well the teacher couldnt figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

Its a period, reported Johnny.
Yes, I can understand that, she said, but what is so exciting about a period?

Damned if I know, said Johnny, but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

Small group of OSCE officials, followed by Serbian police is travelling on a highway somewhere in the zone of recent heavy fights. Soon they come across several bodies beside the road.

What is this?

An officer of OSCE asks Serbian policeman.

They probably ate these poisonous mushrooms.

he says pointing to some growing nearby, There are so many of them around here,

They continue their travel. But after few miles they come across similar picture. Again an officer of OSCE asks police what all this mean.

Well, sir, I am quite sure that they too are dead because of the mushrooms says a policeman.

Why the hell they have holes in their heads, then?

Shouted the officer.

They refused to eat mushrooms, sir responded another policeman.

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?

Her grandson said, Grandma, it says on TV-The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!

Two. One to do it and one to write a crappy folk song about it.

Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.

• Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
• Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
• Grease pan, crack nuts.
• Measure two cups flour;
• Remove babys hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
• Remeasure flour.
• Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
• Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
• Get another bowl.
• Answer doorbell.
• Return to kitchen.
• Remove babys hands from bowl.
• Wash baby.
• Answer phone.
• Return.
• Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
• Look for baby.
• Grease another pan.
• Answer telephone.
• Return to kitchen and find baby.
• Remove babys hands from bowl.
• Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
• Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
• Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
• Call baker.
• Lie down.

10. G-d worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. G-d knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men dont want to see whats on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.

8. G-d knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. G-d knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. G-d knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. G-d knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear them, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when G-d caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone. He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

1. When G-d finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head and said, I can do better than that.