Old and New Jokes

Yo mammas armpits are so hairy, it looks like she got Don King in a headlock!

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasnt long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Joness sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.

Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, You can’t fire me. I quit.

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest, said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry. I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest, said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry. I would like to marry a man with one draggin on the ground, said the youngest daughter.

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, Hey, Moe! Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But dont worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half days drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they dont require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. Youll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but Id already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if Im away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldnt do that. Youll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. Its best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all youre risking is the $10 co-payment, theres no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Are Major Asteroid As Dangerous As Predicted? The Answer Arrives in 2003

London (SatireWire.com) — Disappointed after failing to take advantage of Earths relatively near miss with a large asteroid on Monday, scientists today excitedly unveiled what they called an asteroid chute that they said will direct the next massive space object directly into Earths path, where it can be studied more closely.

Scientists hope the redirected asteroid, now expected to strike Earth by June of 2003, will also settle a pair of long-running debates: Did an asteroid cause the extinction of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago? And what size must an asteroid be in order for it to render a planet uninhabitable?

According to Michael Banio of Great Britains Royal Astronomical Society, asteroid 2001 YB5 passed within 375,000 miles of Earth on Monday, but it was still too far away for useful studies to be conducted. And because YB5 was not discovered until December, scientists did not have time to prepare for its arrival. However, using electron particle impulses emitted by a modified NASA satellite early this morning, British and American astrophysicists said they successfully nudged the next asteroid, a kilometer-wide giant theyve labeled 2002 CUL8R, directly into Earths path.

Asked what impact CUL8R will have, NASA astrophysicist Karen Lurg excitedly hesitated to speculate.

Well, were not sure, and thats the beauty of it, she said. What we think will happen is, the ECO (Earth Crossing Object), which most likely has an iron/nickel core, will slam into Earth with the force of roughly 1 million nuclear bombs. But now well be able to test that hypothesis.

The 1 million nuclear bombs is an average postulation, by the way, she added. Some say 2 million. Others, believe it or not, say only 15,000. I think those folks are going to have egg on their faces when its all said and done.

The non-scientific community, however, failed to share Lurgs interest. Moments after the announcement, the United Nations Security Council demanded that CUL8R be directed away from Earth immediately, and dozens of international leaders called the chute catastrophically irresponsible and just bad science.

Scientists were quick to label the reaction typical laymens myopia.

Every 10 million years, an object at least 1km across smashes into Earth, so its inevitable that someday its going to happen, said Banio. By steering such objects toward us now and studying the results close up, we will be better prepared for that eventuality.

Meanwhile, Heinrich Voom, director of the Los Alamos National Laboratory, bristled at the charges of capriciousness. Far from being irresponsible, we plan to strictly adhere to the Scientific Method; that is: Observe. Hypothesize. Predict. Test. Repeat until there are no discrepancies left, he said.

Its the no discrepancies left part that bothers me, countered U.S. Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge.

Voom acknowledged that CUL8R may not settle every question. Three years ago, scientists at Los Alamos predicted an asteroid three miles across that strikes the mid-Atlantic Ocean would produce a tidal wave that would cover the East Coast of the United States to the Appalachian Mountains. It would also envelop the coasts of France and Portugal. Voom conceded CUL8R is not large enough to adequately test this model. However, he insisted, even a small tidal wave that only destroys Portugal would be useful in devising further experiments with the asteroid chute.

Portuguese President Jorge Sampaio, however, said he would rather the model remain in the hypothetical stage. I do not want to be a resolved discrepancy, he said.

Sampaio added that if the asteroid must come, he wished it would come now and get it over with, but Voom said the rock should not be rushed.

If we were to increase the asteroids speed, we would not have enough time to apply for several multi-million-dollar grants well need to study its impact, he explained. That is what I would call bad science.

Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the womans horse stumbles and jostles the mans wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and says, Thats one.

The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the womans horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, Thats two!

He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the womans horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the womans horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, Thats three, removes a pistol from his vest, and shoots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, Thats terrible, why would you do such a thing!

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, Thats one!

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

11… One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

El tortugo le dice a la tortuga: oye vieja, vámonos de pic-nic ¿o.k.?

Está bien viejito, y te haré esas tortas con aguacate que tanto te gustan.

Y salen las dos tortugas con una lentitud tremenda en busca de un lugar apropiado.

Al cabo de una semana localizan un lugar pero a la turtuga no le gusta, y siguen caminando lentamente, paso a paso, hasta que por fin cuatro meses después se quedan en el lugar perfecto.

Ay viejita, con la caminata ya me dió hambre, saca las tortas de aguacate para comer ¿no?

Ay viejito, ¿qué crees?, se me olvidaron los aguacates, pero si quieres nos comemos las tortas así.

Pero tú sabes que yo no me puedo comer esas tortas sin aguacates, mejor me voy a regresar por los aguacates a la casa, pero te esperas a que yo regrese ¿eh?, no te las vayas a comer.

Pero cómo crees que no te voy a esperar, si yo tampoco me comería una torta sin aguacate.

Yo te conozco como eres de comelona… yo te conozco, pero en fin iré por los aguacates.

Y pasa una semana, un mes, dos meses, cuatro meses, cinco meses.

Ay, yo ya tengo mucha hambre y mi viejito no regresa… yo me voy a comer las tortas porque ya no aguanto.

Y cuando le iba a dar la mordida a la torta, sale el tortugo detrás de un matorral…

¡Ejele, si la muerdes no voy por los aguacates…!

A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up each nostril walks into the doctors office. The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him. Doctor, I just havent been feeling well lately. Well, I can see you are not eating right.