Old and New Jokes

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?

They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

So… Did you hear about …

… the fellow in his late 40s who bought himself a dazzling, bright-red LeBaron convertible? He referred to it as his mid-life Chrysler.

… the magician and his wife who got divorced? It was all very friendly, until she said she wanted everything divided in half.

… the latest revival of Guys and Dolls? Its a politically correct version called Loathsome Oppressors and Women of Vision and Strength.

… the lawyer who frequented only posh restaurants? He was an ambiance chaser.

… the burglar who was out lurking for a job?

… the guy who was rich enough to own a limousine, but had nothing to chauffeur it?

… the podiatrist turned detective who always thought something was afoot.

… the cannibal who suffered from chronic indigestion? He ate people who disagreed with him.

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only
one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist
You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist
You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this
before.

Procrastinator
You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat
You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in
multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer
You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor
You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order
to make your next appointment.

Sales executive
You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their
friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service
You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold
fillings.

Advertiser
You strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with
computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer
You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist
You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it
worked.

Mathematician
You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all
cases.

Philosopher
You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major
You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature
You read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Science
You design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human
being could.

Economics
You plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they
would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis
You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama
You tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person
stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art
You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican
As you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not
expect handouts.

Democrat
You ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into
two equal pieces.

Libertarian
After reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you
take it and jump out.

National Rifle Association
You shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot
You beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist
You refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Objectivist
Your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free
market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh)
You get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.

Sports Fan
You start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic
As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Ross Perot
You tell them not to worry, since it wont take you long to learn how to fix
a plane.

Surgeon General
You issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers
You explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences,
studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One boy is sitting down, having a bowl of Corn Flakes, the other is frantically looking for an item for show-and-tell.

I know I put it here somewhere he says. He then remembers that he put it in the kitchen for safe keeping the night before. He dashes for the kitchen and stops at his brother, still eating his cereal.

Hey, you found my scab collection.

Un macarra se hizo novio de una chica muy beata y el día del cumpleaños de ella no sabía que comprarle, así que entra en una tienda donde venden todo tipo de artículos religiosos.

El fulano se fija en un crucifijo del escaparate y le pregunta al dependiente:

Jefe, ese colgante que tiene en el escaparate, ¿cuánto vale?

Ese crucifijo está valorado en 250.000 pesetas.

Sorprendido, el macarra dice:

¡Joder! ¿Y sin el gimnasta?

Le habían dejado a un niño investigar que hacían los padres con las limosnas, entonces va a la primera iglesia y le pregunta:

Padre, ¿usted que hace con las limosnas?

Y le dice: Pues mira, yo trazo un circulo y lo que caiga adentro es para mi y lo que caiga afuera es para Dios.

Va a la segunda y iglesia y pregunta lo mismo y le responde: Mira, yo trazo una línea y lo que caiga del lado derecho es para mi y lo del lado izquierdo es para Dios.

Va a la tercera iglesia y pregunta lo mismo, y le dicen:

Mira, yo aviento las monedas al cielo y lo que alcance a agarrar Dios es para el, y lo que caiga es para mi.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?

A) It doesnt matter, he wont come!

Did you hear about the Polish library that burned down?

Its okay… they saved the book.

Recently, somewhere in the US a teacher gave his class a not-too-kosher maths test which landed him in the proverbial soup. The original was edited and given to the class in all seriousness (I think). But there was some logical reasoning behind it!

Many people claim the reason innner city students do poorly on standardized tests is because the tests are culturally biased as part of an evil white surburbanite plan. This is of course a much more likely explanation than the idea that drugs, running gun battles and teen pregnancy are disruptive to education.

So, heres a culturally normalized standard test.

City of East Los Angeles

High School Math Proficiency Final Exam

Name:____________

Alias:____________

Gang:____________

Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots, and he shoots 13 times at every drive by shooting, how may drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Ricky for $320 and 2 grams to D.J. for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesnt cut it?
Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If his price is $65 per fuck, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound pound of heroin and make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for stealing a Chevy, and $200 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $1000?
Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Tagger spray if he steals 3 cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?
Hector has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $235 per month rent goes up 15%, how many children should she have to keep up with expenses?
Salvator was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose for jumping bail?

So, how did you do?

One thing I still cant figure out though is how a South African from the far corner of Earth with no telephone or television knows about Indy Car (which is only popular in the US) and can use miles per hour (we use kph here) whereas some SuperCitizens dont know about Formula One (Nigel Mansell won back to back F1 and Indy Car championships – the Indy Car was won in his rookie year!!) and may not know what kph stands for.

Yes ladies and gentlemen Canada is north, and Mexico is south, but east and west there *are* other people, cultures, countries and other interesting thing that werent made in America.