Old and New Jokes

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.

A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped, My wife is drowning and I cant swim. Please save her. Ill give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, Okay, buddy, wheres my hundred?

The man said, Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said… Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?

Posted for: Chaplain Palindro Meemordnilap

Chaplains thought

Today is the feast of St. Nicholas (the original Santa Claus) who was a fourth century pioneer in microbiology and biochemistry. We dont know an awful lot about him except:

1. He managed to create a race of stunted, servile humanoids who were impervious to cold and had great manual dexterity.

2. Studied the effects of lysergic acid diethylamide on water buffalo, elk, caribou, and reindeer.

3. Left the corpses of his enemies impaled on pikes along the road leading from the field of battle.

Besides vague historical references to his possible origin of what is now Romania and a health condition that required ingestion of large quantities of human blood to stay alive, thats all we know about Santa Claus.

I guess theres a lot of wonder in unconditional and serendipitous concern in a world that can seem uncaring and unconcerned. Its like seeing that red beam of laser light on the forehead of very dark situations.

We should be reminded of that yet today when we see candy canes because really they represent St. Nicks staff of smiting. Even if the commercial vendors and many others dont know it, many people do care about us but could give a rats ass whether or not there are any more Tickle-me-Elmos still on the shelves.

Likewise, on the first day of Kwansaa (which is basically an excuse for Jehovah Witnesses to exchange gifts) a duck or other such waterfowl is set ablaze as onlookers sing praises to ward off those evil spirits who roam the prime material plane looking for bad children to eat.

No matter what religion, culture, or sect you adhere to, try to remember the spirit of the holidays when you see lamps, candles, candy canes, or even a burning duck. The true meaning of Christmas is often lost in these hectic holiday shopping spasms and can really be for us a real reminder of the holy in our lives and the wonder of it all seen many times through the eyes of children on which these seasons have a focus.

God Bless

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.



They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?

1. After sending someone an email, you phone to tell that someone that youve sent them an email.
2. All your bookmarks are tech support sites.
3. Look at your email address. Does it end in aol.com?
4. You keep forgetting which side of the mouse you use to right-click.
5. When your computer freezes, and someone tells you to turn up the heat in the room, you actually do it.

A man and a woman met in an elevator. Where are you headed today? the man asked. Im going down to give blood. How much do you get paid for giving blood? Oh, about $20. Wow, said the man, Im going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100. The woman then walked off angrily. The next day, the man and woman met at the elevator once again. Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today? Sperm bank, she said with her mouth full.

You can always tell a really good idea by the enemies it makes.
–Programmers axiom

Everything always takes twice as long and costs four times as much as you
planned. –Programmers axiom

Its never the technical stuff that gets you in trouble, its the
personalities and the politics. –Programmers saying

Living with a programmer is easy. All you need is the patience of a saint.
–Programmers spouses saying

Applications programming is a race between software engineers, who strive to
produce idiot-proof programs, and the Universe which strives to produce bigger
idiots. –Software engineers saying

So far the Universe is winning.
–Applications programmers
saying

The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering
iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea.
–Computer saying

You cant do just one thing.
–Campbells Law of everything

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
–Murphys law #1024

…and sometimes the real trick is telling the difference.
–Murphys law #1024a

Whenever you use a jump, be sure of your destination address.
–Programmers saying

If you eat
a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse will happen all day
long.
–California saying

To you or the toad? –Nivens restatement of
California saying

…well, most of the time, anyway.
–Programmers caveat to
Nivens restatement of
California saying

Twas the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works

Ive busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of Thanks Santa – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes – if that aint damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible ….Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yos – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think Im IBM!

If you think thats bad…just picture this
Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose – they grab at my beard
And if I dont smile..the parents think Im weird

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
Im quitting this job…theres just no enjoyment
Ill sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

Theres no Christmas this year…now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. Im going SOUTH for the season!

Your potted plants stay alive..



Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.



You keep more food than beer in the fridge.



6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.



You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.



You carry an umbrella.



You watch the Weather Channel.



Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.



You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.



Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as dressed up



Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.



You dont know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.



Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.



You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.



Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.



You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.



Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.



MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.



You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.



A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff.



You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.



Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & ho-hos



I just cant drink the way I used to replaces Im never going to drink that much again



Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.



You dont get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

Once there was a boy who went to work for a captain. The Captain had a wooden leg, a hook on his hand, and a patch on his eye. Just like any old pirate. So the kid asks How did you get your wooden leg? The Captain replied I got thrown over board and a SHARK ATE IT! Then he asks how did you get your hook? The Captain repliedA hungry PAROTE ATE IT! Then he asks How did you get your patch? The Captain repliedA bird poopped on my eyeThen he asks How would that take your eye out? The Captain repliedIt was the FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK!

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked What do you have under the newspaper, mister?

A bird, the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, Idont know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is Im here.

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her What did you do to that naked fellow?


After a little pause, the girl replied, To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.