Old and New Jokes

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.


Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. Whats the problem?


My mother died in June, he said, and left me $10,000.


Gee, thats tough, he replied.


Then in July, the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $50,000.


Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder youre depressed.


And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.


Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.


Then this month, continued, the friend, nothing!

Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, Man, if Id had his studio time, I could have done that.

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks at it.

WOW! I know this person. Ive seen this person before.

The other blonde takes the mirror and looks at it and says, Of course you do. That’s me!

Why do blondes wear underwear?

To keep their ankles warm.

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

Mommy, she said, can we leave now?

No, her mother replied.

Well, I think Im gonna be sick, Momma!

Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

Were you sick? her mom asked.

Yes.

How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?

I didnt have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, For the Sick.

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, What is wrong with you? Adam said he didnt have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when youve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked What would a woman like this cost me??

The voice answered, an arm and a leg.

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, What can I get for just a

rib???

The rest is history . . .

GOVERNMENT NOTICE

—————–

January 1, 1995

To: All Male Taxpayers

From: IRS

RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P

——————————————–

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

12-10 inches *Luxury Tax$50.00
10-8 inchesPole Tax$30.00
8-6 inchesPrivilege Tax$15.00
6-4 inchesNuisance Tax$05.00

Please Note:

————

– Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.

– * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

———————————-

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker

Internal Revenue Services

New Words for the 2000s

Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled – Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists – People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.

Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. Ask Larry, hes the alpha geek around here.

Dancing Baloney – Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help.

Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.

Nyetscape – Nickname for AOLs less-than-full-featured Web browser.

PEBCAK – Tech support shorthand for Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard. (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. Theyve submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.)

Square-headed Girlfriend – Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a computer widow.

En un matrimonio, el hombre se quejaba ante su mujer de cómo Dios debería ser más equitativo en los roles adjudicados a la pareja.

¡Dios mío, ten compasión de mí, mira cómo trabajo tanto, en cambio mi mujer tan tranquila en la casa! Yo daría cualquier cosa para que hicieras un milagro y convirtieras a mi mujer en mí y yo en mi mujer, para que ella aprenda como es la vida de un hombre.

El Creador, en su infinita misericordia, le concedió el milagro. El primer día en la mañana corre a levantar los muchachos para que se alisten, a la vez que en la cocina estaba preparando el desayuno para todos, con el que preparó las loncheras, no sin antes haber colocado una ropa en la lavadora y sacar de la nevera lo del almuerzo. Por un lado, terminó esta tarea y se subió en el carro a llevarlos al colegio; de regreso pasó a surtir de gasolina al carro e ir al banco a cambiarle un cheque al marido.

Al salir de allá pudo notar que las horas habían transcurrido a velocidad luz, por lo que corrió velozmente de nuevo a recoger los hijos al colegio; con la misma llegó a la casa para preparar el almuerzo, apurada, para cuando llegaran todos no encontraran retraso en el mismo. Después de éste, tuvo que lavar los platos y tender la ropa antes de ir a pagar la luz, el agua y el teléfono donde había unas enormes colas a morir, lo que le hizo regresar a las 6:30. Quiso relajarse un poco viendo TV, pero había que preparar la cena y planchar una ropita que estaba pendiente y ayudar a los muchachos con la tarea de la escuela.

Por fin, llegó la hora del descanso y a dormir, cosa que no pudo lograr tan rápidamente por que allí estaba el marido esperándola para que cumpliera también con sus deberes de mujer en la cama. Al día siguiente volvió a clamar a Dios:

¡Señor mío, realmente esto es agotador, te ruego me devuelvas a mi condición normal, por favor!

Amorosamente se escucha una voz celestial:

Claro que sí, hijo mío, pero tendrás que esperar nueve meses porque anoche quedaste embarazado.

Un señor va al médico con cara de amargado, y le cuenta:

Doctor, tengo algo que me sube del estómago al cuello, sube y baja, sube y baja.

Ah, no, no es nada, contesta el médico.

¿Seguro, doctor?

Seguro.

¿Y qué es entonces, doctor?

Es un pedo indeciso. Como usted tiene cara de culo, no sabe por donde salir!