Old and New Jokes

One of those days? I have one of those lives.

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

Oh no! he screamed, One of the engines just blew up!

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldnt maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

Say, spoke up an alert passenger, Arent those parachutes?

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?

There isnt, replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. Were going to get help.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

Lord, I have a problem!

Whats the problem, Eve?

Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but Im just not happy.

Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.

Lord, I am lonely, and Im sick to death of apples.

Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

Whats a man, Lord?

Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. Hell lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, hell give you a hard time.

But… hell be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when hes aroused, but since youve been complaining, Ill create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He wont be too smart, so hell also need your advice to think properly.

Sounds great! says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Whats the catch, Lord?

Well… you can have him on one condition.

Whats that, Lord?

As I said, hell be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring…

So youll have to let him believe that I made him first.

Just remember, its our little secret…

You know, woman to woman.

You might be a redneck if…
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

[Offensive to large bodies of water]

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson,
when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea.
The man looks up to the heavens and says, Oh Lord, this is my only
grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will
not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief.

Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old mans feet.

The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, He had a hat!

A: Artificial intelligence.

Did you know that verb is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you cant spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why arent two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If youve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldnt this also mean that you would have to member somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldnt there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

What is another word for thesaurus?

Where do swear words come from?

Why cant you make another word using all the letters in anagram?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word irregardless?

Why do some people type cool as kewl?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say somethings out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does cleave mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesnt onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

Why dont we say why instead of how come?

Why is crazy man an insult, while to insert a comma and say Crazy, man! is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word gullible isnt in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce and hammers dont ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isnt palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newly weds do, time and again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she see him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, Whats THAT?, pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, Well, thats what we had so much fun with last night.

And she, in amazement, asked, Is that all we have left?

Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.

Q: What do you call three blondes sitting under a Christmas tree?

A: Ho, Ho, Ho!