Old and New Jokes

A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around? The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights – the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?

St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged. The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, Whats the story with that clock?

Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats President Clintons clock. We decided to use it as a fan.

Realization of another White House intern… And all the time I
thought that humming was the shredder!

No more calls from insurance companies.

One day A Blonde girl was running out to check her mail and a neighbor was watching. 5 minutes later she checked it again this happened all through the day till the neighbor went outside and stopped her and asked her why she kept looking in her mail box and her reply was.

My computer keeps telling me I have mail!

Yo mama is so stupid she went to the Empire State Building, threw off a penguin and yelled, Fly! Fly!!

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual 3 to 1, majority rules statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

Oh, God! he cried. I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.

A sign from God! See, Im right, I knew it! But the other three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!

This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

I told you I was right! cried the rabbi, but friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi is getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he says Oh God… the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, HEEEEEEEES RIIIIIIIGHT!

The rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, Well?

So, shrugged one of the other rabbis, now its 3 to 2!

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If you get caught sleeping on the job, heres some quick excuses!

Its okay…Im still billing the client.

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter, not harder.

Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper

I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

Im in the management training program

Actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broke….

Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off!

It worked well for Reagan, didnt it?

I was cross-training for telecommuting.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

Wasnt sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

I thought you(boss) were gone for the day.

Un tipo es detenido por un oficial de policía por conducir con exceso de velocidad:

Sus documentos, es mi deber levantarle una infracción.

Jefe, perdone, la verdad es que no me di cuenta de la velocidad. Deme otra oportunidad, por favor.

Está bien, como yo soy amante de las adivinanzas, le voy a hacer una; si adivina, no le aplico la multa.

Muy bien, dígame.

Es de noche, Ud. ve a lo lejos dos faros de forma redonda. ¿Qué es?

Pues, yo diría que es un auto.

Sí, pero es muy general, podría ser un Mercedes, un BMW o un Honda. Ni modo, tengo que aplicarle la multa.

¡No, por favor, una más, deme otra oportunidad!

Está bien, es de noche, a lo lejos ve un faro de forma cuadrada. ¿Qué es?

Pues yo diría que puede ser una moto.

Sí, pero es muy general, podría ser una Kawasaki, una Harley o una Suzuki; discúlpeme, pero ahora si le tengo que aplicar la multa.

Esta bien, aplíqueme la multa, pero antes quiero hacerle una adivinanza a Ud., que, por lo visto, le gustan mucho.

Muy bien, dígame.

Es de noche, al lado de la carretera se ven unas señoritas. ¿Qué son?

Pues, yo diría que son golfas.

Sí, pero es muy general, podrían ser su madre, su mujer o su hermana.

Estaban Pepito y don Jaime, el cartero, platicando y don Jaime observa:

¡Ah, que Pepito, qué chistoso es tu nombre!

¿Por qué?, pregunta Pepito amoscado.

Es que si únicamente le cambias una letra diría Peputo.

Pepito lo mira unos segundos y contesta:

Ah, que don Jaime, también su nombre es chistoso, sólo es cuestión de cambiarle todas las letras para que diga: ¡Vaya a chingar a su madre!