Old and New Jokes

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.



The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.



The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.



After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…



Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said, We should go to Mars.

The redhead said, We should go to the Moon.

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to … the Sun!

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, You cant go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!

The blonde said, DUH… Not if you go at night!

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the mans wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but dont worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of Most Admired People.

Tres mujeres están conversando de sexo. Una de ellas les pregunta a las otras:

¿Y ustedes cómo saben cuando están excitadas?

Yo voy al baño y me toco el calzón; si está mojado, estoy excitada, contesta la primera.

Yo me toco los pezones; si están duritos estoy excitada, responde otra.

Pues para mí es súper fácil: me meto un choclo en la vagina; si salen palomitas (pop corn, rosetas, etc.) estoy excitada.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

Da-ad… What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later…

Daaaa-aaaad…

WHAT??!!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck!

Smaller or larger tuxedo

A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the grooms tuxedo.

After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the grooms. Explain to the tux shop what youre up to. Pick up the grooms fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.

The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Dont reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a New Yorker. Im not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the New Yorker wouldnt be able to answer the questions, and hed be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

Heres your first question, the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

Without numbiz? the New Yorker says. Dats easy, and proceeds to draw three trees.

Whats this? the boss asks.

Aint you got no brains? Tree n tree n tree makes nine.

Fair enough, says the boss.

Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.

The New Yorker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. Dare ya go.

The boss scratches his head and says, How on earth do you get that to represent 99?

Each a da trees is dirty now! So its dirty tree, n dirty tree, n dirty tree. Dats 99.

The boss is getting worried hes going to have to hire him, so he says, Alright, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.

Mr. New York stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Dare ya go. A hundred.

The boss looks at the attempt. You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred.

The New Yorker leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says: A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now youve got: dirty tree an a turd, dirty tree an a turd, an dirty tree an a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I freakin start?