Old and New Jokes

Q. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?



A. A good start.

Being paranoid means never having to think that your alone.

One day a little boy was playing with his airplane in the dining room while his mom was in the kitchen making dinner.

He decided that it was time for the plane to come in for a landing.

He set it down on the table and said, All you assholes who want to get off, get the hell off! All you assholes that want to stay on, stay the hell on!

Hearing this, the boys mother comes running out of the kitchen and says, I cant believe that…where did you hear…go to your room until I call you! Okay, mom, says the boy as he sulks up to his room.

About an hour later, the boys mom calls him back downstairs and says, You are a young boy and we dont use that kind of language in this in this house.

Okay, says the boy and goes back to playing with the airplane. All right, all passengers wishing to depart the plane, please do so. All passengers wishing to remain on the plane, please do so. And all you assholes who want to complain about the hours delay, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of
Viagra. The doctor said, Thats no problem. How many do you want?

The man answered, Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.

The doctor said, That wont do you any good.

The elderly gentleman said, Thats allright. I dont need them for sex
anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough
so I dont pee on my shoes.

A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball.

Heres your baby, maam says the doctor.

The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window.

Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers, My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!

The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says, April Fools!!!

He was already dead!

Because she was a plant eater!

You might be a redneck if you drive your truck into a lake and drown tryin to get the tailgate open.

And now for a joke (that I probably heard here):

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career,
she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose
her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the
world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her
eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she
decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctors office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to
unveil her latest work of art: the doctors office. During the
press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and
asked the doctor, What was your first reaction upon seeing your
newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?
To this, the eye doctor responded, I said to myself
Thank God Im not a gynecologist.

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, Ill hear the oldest first. The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.

Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.