One of the nations largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking Americas shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, Clinton Soup, that will honor one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: I dont know, I never had one.
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?
Bill Clinton replied, No, some begin with After Im elected.
Clintons mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as Walking Eagle because he is so full of crap he cant fly.
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of Americas finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
Revised judicial oath: I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toast!
Toast who?
Toast where the days!
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
How do *you* know, Sister?
My Mother Superior told me so
But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?
Dont be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself
Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life
How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!
Ill get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman … and could you put the vodka in a teacup?
Oh no! Its not that drunken Nun again is it?
My uncle got a job as a diamond cutter. When I asked him where he
works, he said I mow the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
A man goes to see the Rabbi. Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it. The Rabbi asked, Whats wrong? The man replied, My wife is poisoning me. The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be? The man then pleads, Im telling you, Im certain shes poisoning me, what should I do? The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, Ill see what I can find out and Ill let you know. A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, Take the poison.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.
This happens a second time.
The third time this happens, she says, Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?
The man replies, Dont ask me lady. Im just a painter!
How careers end…
Office clerks are defiled.
Mediums are dispirited.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
there was a blonde, a brunete,and a red head. they all walked into a bar for a drink.the bar tender said,i have a magical mirror any thing you think you are.you tell the mirror and if its true you will become it even more of what you wished for.but if not the mirror will suck you up. so the brunet goes in and said i think im the prettyest girl in the world.with that the mirror said you are. so she became prettyer than everyone in the world.then the red head went in and said i think im the richest girl in the world. the mirror said you look very rich you now are the richest girl in the world.the blonde went in and said i thinkand with that the mirror gobbeld her up.the two girls left said why did the mirror swollow her up?the man said because she said that she thought and thats a lie.