Old and New Jokes

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.

He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone.

Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.

Ouch, Dad! I hate when you do that!

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.



WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?



Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:

I had a terrible time with Iran, so Ive come for some courage.



No problem says the Wizard, WHO IS NEXT?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.

Done says the Wizard.



Who comes next before the Great Wizard?

Up steps George Bush sadly, Im told by the American people that I

need a heart.



Ive heard its true says the Wizard. Consider it done.



Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesnt say a word.



Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?



And Willie replies – Is Dorothy around?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

88. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave Slim Jim wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference)

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten
other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.

Paddy jumped forward, and screamed Thats her! Thats her! Id
recognize her anywhere!

A mans house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.
So a fireman asks him, Why are you going back in there? The man replies, Im turning over my mother in law.

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
9) Is lighter fluid flammable?
8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
7) Are knives sharp?
6) Can sharks hurt a human?
5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
3) Can I eat broken glass and live?
2) Can dogs talk?
1) Are blondes really dumb?

A man who had raped 5 women, who had killed 10 men with his bare hands, who had molested 15 children and who had voted for democrats died. As per the age old practise the Satan let him choose the fashion in which he was to spend all eternity.

Behind this first door was the old familiar room with a floor of knobbed iron. As far as the eye could see, there were people standing on their heads. The iron knobs dug into their skulls and the man shuddered as he heard their pathetic moans of pain. Not for me, he said, and slammed the door.

The second door as again you know was leading to a vast room with more people standing on their heads, this time on a hard wood floor, rife with splinters. The man backed away from the cries of pain and slammed this door as well.

Finally, with sinking heart, the man opened the third door. Here an entirely different sight met his eyes: In this room Mr. Clinton was having a jolly good time naked in bed with Julia Roberts. This is great, The man thought to himself I would love to do this

So he turned to the Prince of Darkness and told him this was his choice. The Devil smiled some more and pushed the man into the room, turned to Julia and said This man has chosen this room Julia, so you get to leave this room now to make way for this man. Lucky you!

Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign
(Lyrics: Joel Polowin. Music: Paul Simons 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover)

The problem is something bout your clothes, she said to me
The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, Im Security!
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, youll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

He takes a landing party down to find whats going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it – the expendables are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free…

She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not evryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse
But then of course, you must recall – they sometimes suffer WORSE
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just tell him, Im not stupid and Im not expendable
Im not going! Tell him that hes a Denebian slime devil
And hes overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial
Hell find a new way to kill an ensign
Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign

———-
Permission granted to use or distribute this text for any non-commercial purpose, so long as its content is not altered and this note is appended.
Id appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it is printed:
Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston, Ontario / CANADA K7L 4A9 .
E-mail: polowin@silicon.chem.queensu.ca, polowin@chem.queensu.ca,
polowinj@qucdn.queensu.ca, Joel.Polowin@p4.f107.n249.z1.fidonet.org

Irv Cohen was tired of the rat race of New York City. He decided to move to the peace and quiet of the country. He bought a small farm and moved away from the big city.

Not knowing what to do with the farm, he talked to his neighbors. They suggested going to the local auction and buying some live stock. Irv did just that. In fact, he got a good deal on a dozen pigs at the auction.

When he got them home he realized they were all females so he talked to his neighbor to see if he could bring his girls pigs over to meet with his boy pigs so this man could get some babies. The neighbor agreed and so Irv, the new farmer, loaded the girl pigs in his truck to visit the neighbors pigs.

That night he went back to pick them up and he asked his neighbor How will I know if they are going to have little pigs?

The neighbor said that they would start acting real different and that he could just tell.

So next morning he went and checked his pigs and they were just acting normal so he took them back to the neighbors again. Next morning same thing no change so he took them back.

Next morning he was sitting at the table and he said to his wife Honey, look out the window and see if the pigs are acting different.

She looked out the window and said Well I dont know how different you mean but 11 of them are in the back of the truck and one is in the front honking the horn!!!