A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . .
Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye.
She paused for moment and then confessed. Yes. Yes he did.
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks Who? Who was he? Who was the father?
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . You.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chip!
Chip who?
Chip of Fools!
An American, a Canadian and a Paki are stopped by a gorgeous babe.
She says if one of them can stay in the cave with a skunk for 2
minutes, then that person can have sex with her. The American lasts 30 sec.,
the Canadian about 1 min. The Paki goes in, then 2 minutes later,
the skunk comes out!
Husband: Darling, will you love me when Im old and feeble?
Spouse: You bet I do.
Sign seen in a small restaurant:
Thanks for visiting. If you liked the food, send your friends. Otherwise, send your mother-in-law.
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, That is very impressive! The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, That is very impressive! Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead? The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, Circumcision is not meant to kill.
Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.
The first guy said, Hey, Ill bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, YOURE ON!
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. WOW, screamed the 2nd guy, That was incredible. Do it again!
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"
Ok, said the first guy, But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. Your turn, he said.
So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, You sure are mean when youre drunk, Superman!
A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic
examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into
the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place
her feet in the stirrups.
As he is examining her she hears him saying mmmm… mmmhmmm. He
completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him
in his office when she is done.
In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he
observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his
non-verbal comments.
Oh, that he says. I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest
vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice.
The young woman proudly smiled and replied, Why thank you! I have a
woman come in twice a week and clean it!
You might be a redneck if…
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Im Dreaming of a White Precipitate
Im dreaming of a white precipitate
just like the ones I used to make
Where the colors are vivid
and the chemist is livid
to see impurities in the snow.
Im dreaming of a white precipitate
with every chemistry test I write
May your equations be balanced and right
and may all your reactions be bright.