Old and New Jokes

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, hey there buddy, it hollers, youre looking mighty fine tonight!

The guy cant believe what he is seeing. This sure is some strong beer! He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak ,hey asshole, go screw yourself! it yells.

The guy cant believe it and decides to ask the bartender whats going on. Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the mens room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.

Let me explain, replies the bartender the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License?

A: Because she got an F in sex.

15. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.

How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?

You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again

Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didnt back off he asked her name.

Carmen, she replied.

Thats a nice name, he said warming up the conversation, Who named you, your mother?

No, I named myself, she answered.

Oh, thats interesting. Why Carmen?

Because I like cars, and I like men, she said looking directly into his eyes. Whats your name?

Beerfuck.

1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. 2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. 3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. 4) There is a river you must cross. But it is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage it?
You swim across — all the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the ladys house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
Wow! the man said. Can I take it for a test drive? Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the ladys house.

Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?

My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.