Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Denver!
Denver who?
Denver the good old days!

After a long sequence of lovemaking, the doctor glanced adoringly at his lady love, who dozed next to him. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pang of guilt.

Relax, Howard, he told himself. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.

No, another inner voice says.., but, you’re a veterinarian!

21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

22. Play Kumbaya on the banjo.

23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter as if you gibbering simps would know and move on before anyone can answer.

25. Mention in passing that youre wearing rubber underwear.

26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

27. Announce youll need this, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

30. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused.

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!. Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, I bet you $50 that the mans gonna jump! The blonde responds back Thats a bet you have there!.

So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin, i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff.

And the blonde says Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you
serve lawyers here?

Sure we do, replied the bartender.

Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and my alligator will have a lawyer.

Theres a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tims Grocery Store.

The owner Tim doesnt know what Juniors problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel – they say – because its bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you dont know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because its bigger, or what?

And Junior said, Well, if I took the dime, theyd quit doing it!

Recent Generations Compared:

1940 generation 1965 generation 1990 generation
_______________ _______________ _______________

International Defeat of Hitler, Opposed Vietnam Changed channel
Achievement Communism War to MTV

Judicial Legal system should Legal system should Legal system should
idea support society change society destroy society

Technological Moon landing Personal computer Beeper, car alarm
highlight

Highbrow Classical Jazz Easy listening
Music

Lowbrow Big bands Rock Rap
Music

Civil rights Martin Luther King Malcolm X Damian Williams
leader

Hero Eisenhower John Kennedy Madonna

Economic Raise 60s generation Develop Support 60s
achievement Sophisticated generation
Tastes retirement

Fav drug Cigarettes Marijuana Crack

Drug most Marijuana Crack Cigarettes
hated

Economic Work hard – get ahead Let your parents/ Prepare for employment
philosophy government support at K-Mart
you

Cartoon Bugs Bunny Bullwinkle Beavis and Butt-head

Boast We made this country We are great We are better armed
great

Excuse I did it for the I was upset by I was abused
country world injustice

Sex Monogamy Free love AIDS

Youthful Drag race Demonstration Use AK-47 at school
rebellion

Movie Casablanca Easy Rider Bill and Teds
Excellent Adventure

Science Einstein Jacques Cousteau Biosphere II

Enemy USSR USA not sure where
country countries located

Influential Eleanor Roosevelt Jane Fonda Roseanne Arnold
woman

Religion Monotheism Atheism Paganism

Enemy Hitler Nixon Joe Camel

Blames Them–> <–Them–> <–Them
(Loses 2-1)

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in twin-sized beds seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well balanced meal.

7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. :00 AM is not early.

9. You have to file your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the childrens sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?

The little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on microphone, Yes, and my Mom says its a bitch to iron.