Old and New Jokes

A guy buys a new Lamborghini sportscar and goes to his Orthodox rabbi to ask him to bless a mezuzah for the car.

What is a Lamborghini? asks the rabbi and when the guy explains, the rabbi says No way am I


blessing a mezuzah for such an extravagance!

So the guy finds a Conservative rabbi and makes the same request. What is a Lamborghini?


the rabbi asks and hearing the explanation, also refuses to give his blessing.

So finally the guy goes to a Reform rabbi with his request.

Sure! says the rabbi, but whats a mezuzah?

Youve spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
When someone asks to see your I.D. – you show them your belt buckle.
Youve lost at least one tooth opening beer bottles.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of a message: For a good time call ___________!!!
Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
Redman chewing tabbaco sends you a Christmas card.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
After making love, you ask your date to roll down the damn window.
Your house doesnt have any curtains, but your truck does.
Your junior and senior prom had a day care center.

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.”

“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I dont know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six–one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

1. The Dairy Associations huge success with the campaign Got Milk? prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read Are you lactating?

2. Coors put its slogan, Turn it loose, into Spanish, where it was read as Suffer from diarrhea.

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

4. Clairol introduced the Mist Stick, a curling iron, into German only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of whats inside, since many people cant read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of I saw the Pope (el Papa), the shirts read I saw the potato (la papa).

10. Frank Perdues chicken slogan, it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken was translated into Spanish as it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, it wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you. Instead, the company thought that the word embarazar (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.

Youre so ugly that when you looked out the window, you got a fine for disturbing the peace.

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the US Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the rank of full colonel.

Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno). His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.

He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelors degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favour by letting him keep his job by getting only a masters degree.

So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of State College. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA.

On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read Johns name. Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook well be using? he asked.

I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook youre using, came the dry response.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in a million become a human being.

The little rascals were in class and the teacher was giving them a vocabulary lesson. The teacher said, Alfalfa, use the word love in a sentence.

Alfalfa replies, I love Darla.

The teacher said, Good…now Spanky your word is respect.

Spanky replies, I respect the way Alfalfa loves Darla.

The teacher said, Very good! Now Buckweat its your turn, your word is Dictate.

Buckweat replies, Hey Darla…how did my dictate last night?.