A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and siddles up to the bar and announces:
Im looking for the man who shot my paw!
19
May
19
May
How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.
19
May
Airheads
19
May
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customers table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know thats the first time in ten years weve been out of rye bread!
18
May
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, the bad news is that now that weve caught you, were going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.
The Frenchman says, I take ze sword. the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,Vive la France! and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, a pistol for me, please. The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, God save the queen! and pulls the trigger.
The New Yorker says, gimme the fawkin fork. the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Theres blood gushing out all over, its horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, my God almighty, what are you doing?
The New Yorker says, so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!
18
May
One day poor old Lena decided she didnt want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart…but she didnt know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.
The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.
Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.
I should be dead! she wailed.
Dont worry, lady, the orderly answered, your knee will mend before you know it!
18
May
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up in a plane
and scatter his ashes in the sky.
The second man said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im going to
scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.
The third man said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think Im going
to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just
one more time.
18
May
Student: Can I use the bathroom?
Teacher: Okay but first say your ABCs.
Students: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ
Teacher: Wheres the P?
Student: Its running down my leg!
18
May
Yo mama so fat that when she breastfeeds, powdered milk comes out.
18
May
Sign in a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but youll find they are best in the long run.
Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.
Sign at a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.