Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is Gods first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard.
Saint Peter said, OK Ill buy Today and Tomorrow, even though its not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that Gods first name was either Andy or Howard?
Forrest responded, Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,…OK, I give in said Saint Peter, but what about the Gods first name stuff?
Forrest said, Well, from the song… Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own… and the prayer… Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….
Saint Peter let him in without further ado!
This Chasidic Jew from New York decides to try his luck in
Birmingham, Alabama. When he gets off the bus in Birmingham he notices
that all the kids are staring at him. Not being used to being stared at,
he find this a bit un-nerving so he turns to the kids and says,
Watsa mattah? You nevah saw a Yhankee before?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear
him, is he still wrong?
Two men, moderately proficient in Yiddish, were lamenting the fact that there are Yiddish expressions that you cant translate well into English. Furthermore, there were some English words that cannot not be easily translated into Yiddish. One man said to the other, I have difficulty finding a Yiddish word that adequately conveys the concept of of the English word disappointed. His friend said, My mother speaks only Yiddish. Ill find out from her how to say disappointed in Yiddish.
The man goes to his mothers house and says Mama, you know that I always come over for Shabbos dinner every Friday night. How would you feel if, one Friday, I called and said I wouldnt be coming over for Shabbos? The mother replied, Oy! Ichll zein zayer disappointed!
Now that wine making is becoming a popular hobby, I offer my secret recipe for Post Office Red.
You simply mail yourself ten pounds of grapes in a container marked Fragile.
(__) )__( vv vv
(oo) (oo) ||—-|| *
/——-/ *——-/ || | /
/ | || / | || /——-/
* ||—-|| / ||—-|| (oo)
^^ ^^ vv vv (~~)
USA Cow Nerd USA Cow Australian Cow
(__) (__) (__)
(00) (-o) (–) . . . (*>YAWN==/—–||
ooo^^ ^^ ooooooooooooooooo ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit
a shit shit kicked out of her
o o
|__| (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) =(oo)= oo
/——-/ /——-vv /——-/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||—-|| * ||—-|| * ||—-||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
bill bixby bela lugosi boris karloff claude rains
male relative cow cow cow cow
/ __
/ ||
(__) (__) / (_||_)
SooS (oo) / (oo)
/——S/S /——-/ /S /——-/
/ | || / | || / S / | ||
* ||—-|| * ||—-||___/ S * ||—-||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincolns
to George Washington this cow cow
(__)
* (__) (oo)
(oo) /——/
——-/ /| |/ |
| ==$ || / | [) ||
||—-|| * ||—-||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Old One Arm belonged This cow was given to
to Caesars Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday
(___) (__) (__)
( O ) (oo) (oo)
/——- / /——–/
/ | ||V | |
* ||—-|| ||——||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with
the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle
(__) (__)
[##] (@o)
/——-/ /——-/ /——-(__)
/ | || / | || / | || (oo)
* ||—-|| * ||—-|| * ||—-|—/
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^
This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to
to Liliann V.L. the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman
(__)
(oo)
/—+ +–/
/ | | | ||
* ||-+ +-||
^^ ^^ *
David Copperfields Cow David Copperfields other Cow
(__)
(oo)
/^^^-m
(__) / )
(oo) o /| /|/|_ | /|
/ / / / _ / | | | |
/ _===^ ___\_____/___ |__|_|
___|__/ |/ (___________(_) //|| ||
* ^ ^ * ww ww
Mrs. OLearys Cow Cownt Dracula
(__) (__) (__)
(/) ($$) (**)
/——-/ /——-/ /——-/
/ | 666 || / |=====|| / | ||
* ||—-|| * ||—-|| * ||—-||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Satanic cow Yuppie Cow Cow in love
____
(____)
.xxxx.
(__) (oo)
(oo) /——/
/——-/ / | |============>
/ | || * ||—-| (~)
* ||—-|| ~~ ~
~~ ~~ Moo-ammar Cowdafi
holy cow (armed and dangerous) (—)
( )
(___) (___) /—–
(o o) (o o) | |
/——- / /——- / | | |
/ | ||O / | O~ ||O | | |
* ||,—|| * ||,—|| | * |
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
A Bull A-bomb-in-a-bull No-bull Coward
(__) \__ (__)
(oo) o (oo) (oo)
/——-/ ____\___/ *+——-/
/ | || / | || ||______||
* ||—-|| * ||—-|| ||—-||
OO OO OO OO OO OO
Detroit cow Mustang cow pickup cow
(__) (__) \_||_~
(oo) (oo) (*||*)
/—————/ /—-/ /——-||/
/ | || / || / | ||
* ||————|| *-||—-|| * ||—-||
OO OO OO OO OO }{
li-moo-cow fastback cow teenagers cow
(____) (____) (____)
(oo ) (o o) ( OO)
/———– / /—– /—- /———– /
/ || | / / | | / | / || | /
/ || |||| | | | | | / || ||||
* ||||—–|||| *| | |—–| | | * ||||—–||||
// // / / / / ^^^^ ^^^^
This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether
to Pablo Picasso Dalis favorite cow M.C. Eschers cow had
four legs or eight
(__) (__)
^^ (oo) (–)
^^^^ /——-/ /-/-
^^^^^ / | || /| |
^^^^^ * ||—-|| ^ | | ^
^^^^^^^^ ====^^====^^==== | |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^/ /—-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ /
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^ * ^
Cow surfing at Malibu Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale
(What a bod, huh guys?)
* (__)
(DD)
/——-/
| / | ||_\_/
| (__) * ||—-|
\|| (oo) ^^ ^
|| \/ Cow chugging brews and staring at
^^ || sunbathers at Fort Lauderdale
\ ||
\||
|
^^ / / / / / / / / / / /
\_ / / / / / / / / / / / /
\_ / / / / / _______ / /
Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen / / / / | / /
/ / / (__)| / /
/ / / (oo)| / /
( @@@ ) /——-/ |
( @@ ) (————) / | ||^_|
@@ (__) ( *>COUGHCOUGH
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!
Un borracho está golpeando un farol de la calle; se acerca otro borracho:
¿Qué haces ah�
¿Yo? Llamando a mi casa.
Pues insiste, insiste, que hay luz.
A farmer, upset with his low yield of eggs, decided to go to town to buy a fresh rooster who could liven things up a bit with his hens. The man at the supply store told him he wished he could help, but all he had was this incredible randy rooster.
But thats just what I need! the farmer said. The store owner said, Not this rooster, hes trouble. Ive never seen anything so horny. But the farmer insisted and eventually took the rooster home on the condition that he wouldnt ever return it.
Once home, the rooster jumped into the hen house and nailed every hen repeatedly until they were all exhausted and nearly dead. Undaunted, the rooster hopped the fence and got in with the ducks, repeating the scene with the hens and wiping out all the ducks. He then leaped another fence and proceeding to nail all the geese.
This continued for three days until all the farm birds that were left alive lay gasping. The farmer found the rooster prostrate in the middle the yard, with buzzards circling overhead.
Serves you right. said the farmer, at which point the rooster rose, pointed overhead, winked, and said, Shhhhhhhhh.
Gordons Warranty Law: All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.