Old and New Jokes

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the
world end to end, someone would be stupid
enough to try and pass them.

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How many forum readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

51. One to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to try and screw them in without even removing the old bulb, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process over again.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?

The farmer shook his head and replied, Some things you just cant explain.

What happened thats so horrible? the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

Well, the farmer said, today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Okay, said the man, but thats not so bad.

Some things you just cant explain, the farmer replied.

Well what happened then? the man asked.

The farmer said, I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

And then?

Well, then I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

The man laughed and said, Again?

The farmer replied, Some things you just cant explain.

So, what did you do then? the man asked.

I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

And then?

Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Hmmm, the man said and nodded his head.

Some things you just cant explain, the farmer said.

So, what did you do? the man asked.

Well, the farmer said, I didnt have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in … Some things you just cant explain.

Gary Condit is found dead with a smile on his face. Police investigators find his scorched body and determine he had been struck by lightning.

"Whys he smiling?" one officer asks.

The other replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

This is one of my favourites, it has been circulated around offices for goodness know how long. Hope you enjoy it. (actually hope you havent seen it before).

TO ALL STAFF:

NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY:

Frequent absenteeism has forced introduction of the following changes effective immediately:

SICKNESS: No excuse for absence. We will not accept your doctors certificate as proof. If you are unable to visit your doctor, you will have to be prepared to submit to thorough examination by your department or branch manager at your home on the day you report sick.

DEATH: (other than your own): This is not an excuse. There is nothing you can do for the deceased and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held late in the afternoon, we will be glad to let you off 20 minutes early-provided your work is sufficiently advanced to keep the job going in your absence.

LEAVE FOR AN OPERATION: This is not an excuse. We will no longer allow this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts you may have about needina an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed here you will need all of whatever organs you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We employed you for what you are and to have anything removed would certainly be less than we bargained for. (Note: an exception will be made for warts).

DEATH: (your own): This will be accepted as an excuse, buth we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

TOILET VISIT: Entirely too much time is going spent in b toilets. In future we will follow alphabetical order:- For example, those whose surname begins with A will go from 9 a.m. to 9:05 a.m.. B will go from 9:05 a.m. to 9:10 a.m., and so on.

IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO GO AT THE ALLOCATED TIME. IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT DAY WHEN YOUR TURN COMES AGAIN.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Amos!
Amos who?
Amosquito just bit me!

La mamá de Pepito está tejiendo un suéter. Al notar que no tiene suficiente material le habla a Pepito:

Pepito, ve a la tienda y tráeme más estambre.

Llega Pepito a la tienda y le pregunta al dueño:

Señor, ¿tiene bolas de estambre?

¡¿Qué me parezco a Winnie Pooh?!, responde mosqueado el tipo.

Urgency varies inversely with importance.

How do you know whether a limousine is owned by a Jew?

Hes got a pay phone at the back.

1. Woman who goes to mans apartment for snack, gets titbit.

2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

4. Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.

5. Passionate kiss like spider web–lead to undoing of fly.

6. Man with holes in pockets, feels cocky all day.

7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8. Virginity like balloon–one prick, all gone.

9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11. Baseball all wrong–man with four balls cant walk.

12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18. When lady say no, she mean maybe, When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say yes–she no lady!