Old and New Jokes

Barbeque is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers
to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

The woman goes to the store.

The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill.

The man places the meat on the grill.

The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that theres just no pleasing some
women.

When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when youre talking to them.

The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.

Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug.

The pharmacist says, Theres a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!

Oh thank you very much! says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.

So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break, And remember to put some poetry into it he says.

Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to the restroom. Just as hes about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in.

Can I help you? he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies :

Hang on Miss, Im dying for a piss, but Ill be back in a flash, with a sash for your gash!

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

Theres that man, who has a cock 50 cm long. And he cant get fucked, cause no lady can take it that sky-high. Well, hes desperate and the only way out seems the Ookaburra witch. Well, the man decides to seek help from the witch. Entering the dark cottage, a voice speaks: I know why You are here… 3 kilometers east from here there is a swamp. In the middle of the swamp on a stone sits the largest frog on earth. If You get him to answer no to one of Your questions, Your cock will get 10 cm shorter.

Well, in the swamp they meet and after a little thought he asks: Frog, will you marry me? – No

The man goes behind a small tree and checks it out – wow! 10 cm shorter!

Well, surely enough he goes again and asks: Frog, will you marry me? – No!

He goes behind the tree again and looks: only 30 cm long! 20 cm would be just right…

Again, he asks: Frog, will you marry me? – How many times do I have to say – NO!, NO! and once more NO!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Allan!
Allan who!
Allan-d of Manhattan!

How does the blonde car pool work?

They all meet at work at 7:45.

a man decided to go out fishing. while he was fishing his pole started to yank hard. so the man started wheeling in as fast and hard as he could. he saw the fish and it was pretty big.he said to himself ooo i can take this one home for dinner. then the fish sayed… if u free me i will grant u 3 wishes…BUT!…on your wishes your neighbor will have twice as much. so the man sayed ok…i wish to have a huge beautiful house.BOOM! theres a huge beautiful house house. but he sees his neighbor with two huge beautiful houses…so the man gets kinda jealous but o well. so goes on to his next wish…i wish had a nice red ferrari ok BOOM! there it is but he sees his neighbor with 2 of them! now this guy is really mad and says i wish i wish i had 1 of my testicles removed. ok ..BOOM! then he hears a big scream comming from hi s neighbor i think u get y.

El rico ganadero tomando de la mano a su novia mientras contempla a un toro haciéndole el amor a una vaca:

Mi amor: ¡qué acto tan hermoso! ¿No te agradaría que yo hiciera lo mismo?

Ella, aparentando indiferencia:

Si eso te agrada, pues… adelante… total, la vaca es tuya…

Dos cazadores van de caza por la selva. De pronto se encuentran en un llano y oyen un rugido ensordecedor a sus espaldas. Se dan la vuelta y aparece ante ellos un gorila descomunal.

Mientras uno de los cazadores carga apresudaramente su rifle, observa perplejo que el otro está sentado cambiándose las botas por unas zapatillas de deporte.

Ante esta actitud, el primero le advierte que así no va a matar al gorila, a lo que el otro le contesta:

Seguro que no le voy a matar, ¡pero voy a correr más rápido que tú!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.