Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN Im inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again.
When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of confusion.
Ymight be a redneck, if you clean your toilet by peein on the stains!
Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager.
He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.
His business manager says, Sean, whats the story? Do you need an
operation or something?
Sean Connery says, No, its just that every time I go into a public
restroom, and Im taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards
me and says,
Hey! Are you Sean Connery?
The Night Before Chanukah
Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels– Oy vay!
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin and tickin
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest kduchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah
Yiddishe kinder, he cried, Kenahorah!
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as Im here, Ill leave a few toys.
Come into the kitchen, Ill get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish.
With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out Gevalt!
He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
Your koshereh meals are simply delish!
As he went through the door he said See yall later
Ill be back next Pesach in time for the seder!
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and Bleibtz mir gezint
he called out cheerily into the wind.
More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!
WASSUP or WAZZUP howerver the hell you spell it,it still means the same thing so grab your gun and lets go hunting.
The average American spends six hours a day watching a TV.
The average Japanese person spends one hour a day making six TVs.
A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a drawing he
was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother finally looked over
his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked Whos that youre drawing, son?
The son answered, God.
Dont be silly, reproved the mother. Nobody knows what God looks
like.
Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly, They will
when Im finished!
A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, Did God make you, Grandpa? Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, Did God make me too? Yes, He did, the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. You know, Grandpa, she said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.
POLITICIAN – A person who divides all available time between running for office and running for cover.
From: Lela Lowe – llowe@admin.aurora.edu
Jay Leno: This is a rough election year. … Huffingtons illegal nanny has started running negative ads against Feinsteins illegal nanny
(Tonight, NBC, 11/4).
David Letterman: Big election on Tuesday and that means just about now Ted Kennedy should be auditioning strippers for the victory party.
(Late Show, CBS, 11/4).
David Letterman, on the ugly campaign: You look at some of these races around the country and you think its just a damn shame somebody has to win.
Letterman: President Clinton is the only president weve ever had who when someone holds up a baby, he doesnt know whether to kiss it or deny knowing the mother
(Late Show, CBS, 11/7).
Jay Leno, on Huffington calling Sens. Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein the Thelma and Louise of CA politics: Thats got to be tough being attacked by the Forrest Gump of American politics.
Leno: You can tell the candidates are getting desperate in the last hours of the campaign. Yesterday, Ollie North stopped lying and Chuck Robb slept with his own wife
(Tonight, NBC, 11/7).
Conan OBrien, on George Foreman knocking out Michael Moorer: Its amazing that a guy in his mid-forties, who cant stop eating cheeseburgers is that powerful. I mean, besides President Clinton
(Late Night, NBC, 11/7).
From: Orlando Doc Griego – ovgcsu@lamar.colostate.edu
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!