Q. What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
A. They both have boys pants half off.
11
May
11
May
If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
11
May
Trustworthy.
11
May
[my brother tells this one]
I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed
that it had a bumper sticker that read Honk if you love Jesus. So
I thought about it a bit, and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn.
I was very surprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled,
The light is still red, you asshole! got back in the car and drove
off through the light which had just turned green.
10
May
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thelma!
Thelma who?
Thelma your soul!
10
May
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
10
May
Well, how are you getting along with your courtship of the bankers daughter?
The young suitor beamed happily. Not so bad. Im getting some encouragement now.
Really? responded his friend. Is she beginning to smile sweetly on you, or something?
Not exactly, replied the young man, but last night she told me she had said No! for the last time.
10
May
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, the screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask you for more money.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 220MB.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRACY VIRUS: Devides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
AIRLINE VIRUS: Youre in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
10
May
This is supposedly a job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonalds restaurant in Florida,and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Companys President or Vice President. But seriously,whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the firstplace.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than Im worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! Thats why Im applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job, no – on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
10
May
Why are there no phone books in China?
Because there are so many Wings and Wongs, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.