Old and New Jokes

Told to me by a friend:

We went to a party last Saturday night. One of the party-goers is
friend of ours who happens to be a policeman in Wayland.

He told this story about he and a friend who went to Maine to
go deer hunting. Seems they didnt get what they were after,
but that was OK because they had the last laugh.

They had brought with them an inflatable, man sized doll which
they dressed in hunters clothing and tied it to the hood of their
car just before leaving to return home. They also had pullover
head masks that looked exactly like a deer which of course
they each put on, and then drove nonchalantly down the Maine turnpike.

To say that they caused a commotion would be an
understatement. They even got pulled over by a Maine
State Trooper who said that they were really doing
nothing wrong, but told them they were leaving a trail of
accidents behind and asked them to kindly remove the
costumes!

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher

Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesnt matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasnt worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.

Manolo llega siempre al restaurante y, dándoselas de muy fino, trata de pinchar una aceituna con un palillo, pero siempre se le escapa en el último momento.

Un día el camarero que lo atiende, cansado de ver como fracasan sus intentos, toma el palillo y pincha la aceituna. Manolo protesta: ¡Claro! ¡Ahora que ya la tenía cansada!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Utah!
Utah who?
Utah told me to knock!

37. If you get more e-mail than mail.

A: Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric companys complaint department to ask for help.

The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much., said the nun.

Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade., said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, I think the term they actually use is fucking shovel!.

A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge? he replied. The blonde said How about $50.00 ? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The mans wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house? The man replied, She should, she was standing on the porch. A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. Youre finished already? he asked. Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 and by the way the blond added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says:
About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news
and some bad news.

The man asks for the good news first:

The good news is that you have 24 hours to live, says the doctor.

The man, incredulously: If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??

I couldnt reach you on the phone yesterday.