A priest is walking along a pier in Rome when he sees a fisherman ready to go out fishing.
He starts a conversation and the fisherman asks if he would like to go fishing with him. The priest says he knows nothing about fishing. The fisherman says hell explain everything the priest needs to know.
As soon as they get out into deep water, the priest reels in this huge fish. The fisherman looks at the fish and says Father, thats one big son-of-a-bitch
The priest looks at the man and says My son, please refrain from using that kind of language.
The fisherman thinks quick and says No father, thats what they call this type of fish, a son-of-a-bitch
The priest, knowing nothing about fishing says What an interesting name
When they get back to land, the priest is excited about the fish he caught. He runs to the parish and sees the Bishop in the Chapel.
Hey Bishop, look at the size of this son-of-a-bitch I just caught
The Bishop jumps back and says Father, how dare you use that kind of language in church
The priest says No,Bishop, thats the name of this type of fish. Its called a son-of-a-bitch
The Bishop says Really, well how about if I clean the son-of-a-bitch and then Ill take it to Mother Superior so she can cook the son-of-a-bitch
The Bishop cleans the fish and brings it to the Mother Superior.
Mother Superior, I just cleaned this son-of-a-bitch, would you mind cooking it for supper
The Mother Superior gasps Bishop, you of all people should know better than to use that kind of language
The bishop says No sister, thats what you call this type of fish. Its called a son-of-a-bitch
Oh says the Mother Superior, Of course Ill cook the son-of-a-bitch
That night at supper, the Pope comes over for dinner and comments on how delicious the fish was and wonders where they got it.
The priest says I caught the son-of-a-bitch
The bishop says I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch
The Mother Superior says I cooked the son-of-a-bitch
The pope looks at all three for a long time, puts his feet on the table and his hands behind his head and says You know, you fuckers are OK
Entropy has us outnumbered.
Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.
The Lord gets up one day and decides its time to make human
sexuality. He calls his assistant Jocko and asks him to bring a large
bowl over to the ingredient workbench. He then begins the recipe. In
goes a healthy portion of lust, some friendship, understanding, and a
little bit of loneliness. Finally, he adds love and the mixture is
ready for the final touches. He tells Jocko
Go into the back room and bring me five of the most sensitive
nerve endings we have.
Jockos eyes open wide in astonishment and with obvious fear and
respect stutters
Ah, sir. You know that I never question anything you do.
After all, you are the Lord. But are you sure that human beings can
handle that much sensitivity ? Remember, we only put two sensitive
nerves in the fingers, and only three under the arms.
The Lord looks down at his little helper and replies
Jocko, I know what Im doing. In fact, make it ten. I think
Id like to hear my name said out loud once in a while.
13. Psychotic Mood Shift12. Pack My Stuff11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome 10. Perpetual Munching Spree 9. Puffy Mid-Section 8. People Make Me Sick 7. Provide Me with Sweets 6. Pardon My Sobbing 5. Pimples May Surface 4. Pass My Sweatpants 3. Pissy Mood Syndrome 2. Plainly Men Suck And The Number One Is: 1. Pass My Shotgun
A recent questionnaire sent out in the Soviet Union contained the questions:
1. Where were you born?
2. Where did you go to school?
3. Where did you attain your majority?
4. Where do you wish to live?
One return provided the following answers:
1. St. Petersburg
2. Petrograd
3. Leningrad
4. St. Petersburg
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
Here are some actual quotes from labels on packing of common household products.
I was rather amused at the information written on the bag [of JONNY CAT, cat litter].
The best has to be: JONNY CAT is the best value for your money. A 20 lb. bag of JONNY CAT contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more than 14 lb. bags!
Other importanant info:
100% natural clay mined from a rare deposit makes Jonny Cat especially absorbent.
AND THEN they have a section for Other Uses of Jonny Cat:
GARAGE SPILLS – sweeps up oil and grease and reduces stains
TRASH CANS – a layer on the bottom reduces odors and discourages flies
REFRIGERATORS – an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent
GARDENS – enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth
All this from a cat litter! Who could ask for more!
En un aeropuerto de una de las ciudades de la antigua Cortina de Hierro, un espÃa huÃa de la policÃa secreta rusa, la KGB. Estaba a punto de ser capturado, cuando, súbitamente, tropezó con una monja a la que le pidió que lo escondiera bajo su hábito.
Los agentes de la KGB preguntaron a la religiosa si habÃa visto al espÃa y le dieron su descripción. Ella les informa que no lo habÃa visto.
Cuando ya el peligro habÃa pasado, el espÃa salió de debajo del vestido de la monja y se inició el siguiente diálogo:
Gracias, hermana, por haberme salvado de ser capturado por la KGB.
Ha sido con mucho gusto, hijo.
Tengo que decirle, hermana, que usted tiene unas hermosas piernas. ¿Se dio usted cuenta del besito que le di en las pantorrillas?
Claro, hijo.
¿Sintió usted los besitos que le estampé en las piernas, antes de las rodillas?
SÃ, hijo.
¿Notó cuando fui subiendo y le cubrà las piernas de besos, arriba de las rodillas?
SÃ, hijo.
¿Qué hubiera sucedido si yo sigo subiendo, y subiendo y llenándola de besos?
¡Pues que me hubieras besado los huevos, cabrón! ¡Yo también soy un espÃa!
En un bautizo, una joven se acercó al padre del recién bautizado.
¿Me deja acariciarlo? dijo con voz melosa, mirando al bebe.
Por supuesto, respondió el padre. Pero antes permiteme dejar por ahà al bebé.