Old and New Jokes

Un tipo se ganaba la vida vendiendo gallinas. Un día llegó un comprador:

Hola, necesito tres gallinas, pero tienen que ser de San Juan.

Para atender el pedido, el vendedor le mete el dedo en el culo a diez de las gallinas, hasta que consigue las tres que necesitaba.

De ese modo siguió vendiendo gallinas a todo aquel que le pedía gallinas por pueblo especifico. Y todo el tiempo estaba un borracho observando y tan pronto como se aseguro que el método del hombre funcionaba, por la satisfacción de los compradores, se le acercó y le dijo:

Veo que puedes decir de dónde son las gallinas.

Sí, ¿en qué le puedo ayudar?

Bajándose los pantalones y enseñándole el culo, el beodo le explica:

Es que se me olvidó en dónde vivo.

Una señora estaba dormida, y se movía mucho y levantaba la mano, como si estuviera agarrando algo pero no lo alcanzaba, hasta que despierta el marido y ve lo que hace su esposa y le dice:

Despierta vieja, despierta, qué te pasa, despierta…

¿Qué, qué pasa?, dice la esposa…

No sé, estabas haciendo unas cosas extrañas dormida.

Ah, por qué me despiertas, si estaba soñando muy bonito, soñaba que estaba en un arbol que tenía penes colgados y arriba estaba uno muy gradote y lo quería alcanzar con la mano pero no lo alcanzaba, por eso hacía esos movimientos mientras dormía.

Pero para qué las andas buscando en los árboles, si aquí estoy yo…

Y se saca la pirinola…

Y dice la esposa:

¡No, como esa había un chingo tiradas ahí abajo!

1. You get this one, next round is on me.

(We wont be here long enough to get another round.)

2. Ill get this one, next one is on you.

(Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round theyll be $4.50 a pop.)



3. Hey, where is that friend of yours?

(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)



4. Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (female)

(Im easy.)



5. Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (male)

(Im gay.)



6. Ever try a body shot? (male to female)

(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)



7. Ever try a body shot? (female to male)

(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what Ill do to you on the ride home?)



8. I dont feel well, lets go home. (female)

(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)



9. I dont feel well, lets go home. (male)

(Im horny.)



10. Whos got the next round?

(I havent bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)



11. Excuse Me. (male to male)

(Get the hell out of the way.)



12. Excuse Me. (male to female)

(I am going to grope you now.) (Editors Note – one of my personal favorites)



13. Excuse Me. (female to male)

(Dont even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)



14. Excuse Me. (female to female)

(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and dont think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or Ill slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)



15. What do you have on tap?

(Whats cheap?)



16. Can I have a white Russian? (male)

(Im *really* gay.)



17. Can I have a white Russian? (female)

(Im *really* easy.)



18. That person looks really familiar.

(Did I sleep with him/her?)



19. Can I just get a glass of water? (female)

(Im annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)



20. I dont have my ID on me. (female)

(Im 19.)



21. I dont have my ID on me. (male)

(I dont have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

One day little johnny was sitting in his house when the door knocked



he ran to open it with a bottle whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other



thae sales person at the door said is your parents home



little johnny said [what the @#$% you think}

This newlywed couple decides to go to a lake resort for their honeymoon. During check in, they explain to the desk clerk that they are on their honeymoon and would like a suite. After paying the couple heads up to their room. Only 10 minutes go by and the husband is down at the desk asking to rent a fishing pole. The clerk was shocked to see the man wanting to go fishing on his honeymoon. The clerk told the man: I would be up there with your wife, its your honeymoon. The man replied: My wife has herpes, besides I really love to fish. The clerk tells the man: Theres other thing you can do on your honeymmon you know The man replied: I know, but she also has hemmoroids and gum disease, besides I really love to fish. The clerk then asks: If your wife has so many things wrong with her why did you marry her? The man replied: She also has worms, and like I said I really love to fish.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Its two feet tall, forty feet wide
Salesmans opening line: Youre not a cop, are you?
It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it
While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride
Each branch has Duraflame printed on it
It keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list
Its very small and says Air Freshener on it
Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
Some guy named Akbar puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it

and number one reason, you bought a bad Christmas tree:

Its constantly bragging about its trunk size

Why dont Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?

Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar,
but if they drink it at home, they only take one,
and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three.

Enver Hoxha, dictator of Albania, dies and due to a bureaucratic mixup
is sent to socialist heaven. Of course, once there he has to stand in line
as St.Peter is interviewing the candidates for socialist heaven ahead of him.

Ludwig von Beethoven is first.
St.Peter says: Who are you?
Beethoven says: Eh ?
St.Peter waves his arms and cures Beethoven and says : Who are you ?
Beethoven says: Ludwig von Beethoven
St.Peter says: Do you have any papers?
Beethoven says: No.
St.Peter says: Then you will have to prove it.
Beethoven says: Give me a choir of angels.

St.Peter calls the angels forward and watches Beethoven conduct the Ninth.
St.Peter smiles and says: Wonderful. Welcome, Ludwig.
Beethoven goes in.

Shakespeare is next.
St.Peter says: Who are you ?
Shakespeare says: William Shakespeare
St.Peter says: Do you have any papers ?
Shakespeare says: No.
St.Peter says: Then you will have to prove it.
Shakespeare says: Give me a pen and paper.

St.Peter does and watches Shakespeare write a new sonnet.
St.Peter smiles and says: Wonderful. Welcome, William.
Shakespeare goes in.

Finally it is Hoxhas turn.
St.Peter says: Who are you ?
Hoxha says: Enver Hoxha, General Secretary of the Communist Party of
Albania
St.Peter says: Do you have any papers ?
Hoxha says: No.
St.Peter says: Then you will have to prove it,
just like Beethoven and Shakespeare.
Hoxha says: Beethoven… Shakespeare ? Who are they ?
St.Peter says: Wonderful. Welcome, General Secretary.
Hoxha goes in.

Craig Hubley, Unicus Corporation, Toronto, Ont.

Q: How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar like her coffee?

A: With Kareem!!!

Q: What does it say, on great Hawaiian singer, Dons mail box?

A: The Ho House!!!