Old and New Jokes

One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.

What the hells the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl? the man bellowed at the waitress.

My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place, the waitress informed him.

Oh yeah, the man shouted, then why don’t you take that finger of yours and shove it up your fat ass?

Im sorry sir, the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I brought your soup out.

Its just too hot to wear clothes today, Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money, she replied

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

175. Invite the Dean to sleepover.

Someone who is afraid of Santa Claus.

Lady 1: Hey, maam, howd you die, if you dont mind my askin?

Lady 2: Well, I was so posotive my husband was cheating on me that, when I came home from work one day and saw him watching television in his recliner, I searched all over the house for a girl I swear he had over right before I came. I looked under the beds, below tables, behind doors, in closets, throughout the yard, and I found no trace of her. I was so shocked that he didnt have a woman over earlier that I had a fatal heart attack and died.

Lady 1: Too bad you didnt look in the freezer!

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced…

Its a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!

A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to swim. She looked around, didnt see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.You could have told me that before I undressed! she scoulded him.Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isnt he replied.

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart. While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room. He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but whats with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuers file and called him into his office.

Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that youre ready to go home. Im only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.

Oh, he didnt kill himself, Mr. James replied. I hung him up to dry.

• If you did an error-free installation of Windows 95.
• When your modem starts smoking.
• If no one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online.
• If you log-off your system because its time to go to work.
• If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.
• If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.
• If you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine.
• If you can write your own html page.
• If you can access more than 20 erotic no-pay sites.
• If you download more than 20Mb of from a binary newsgroup, in one session.
• If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look at a photograph.
• You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.
• If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses – they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.
• When someone tells you to remember something, and you look for File/Save command.
• When you discover there is no little car icon with a forward arrow on the dashboard of your car, to make it go.
• When you think the File/Kill command should apply to your system administrator.
• When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.
• When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
• If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay your phone bill and receive a pending disconnection of service notice.
• When you order most of what you buy… online.
• If your fingers quit moving because youve been online for 36 hours.
• When you find yourself engaged to someone youve never actually met; except through e-mail.
• When you log-off from a session in your favorite newsgroup… and your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.
• If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because youre exceeding 300 hours a month, connect time.
• When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line.
• You access Microsofts Web page every Sunday morning for Brother Bills sermon.
• When that 112Gb hard drive is full.
• If 133 Mhz is simply too slow.
• When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
• If you have an online light installed on your car to tell you when the engine is running.
• When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere, you do not enter an http:// or ftp:// address.
• If you can actually talk to the computers in your new car – and understand what they say.
• When you modify the programming of your cars computers and actually get better mileage.
• When you can access the Net – via your portable and cellular phone.
• If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.
• If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.
• When you put a CD-ROM in your cars player.
• When someone tells you about a great new program and youre very disappointed to find its on TV.
• If every sentence you utter begins with, On the Net…
• If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes.
• If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.
• When you insist on seeing the movie The Net – for the 63rd time.
• If magazines like InternetWorld are of greater interest than Playboy or Playgirl.
• If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.
• If you use more than 20 passwords.
• If you set up your own Web page.
• If you set up a Web page for each of your kids… and your pets.
• If, instead of a phone number, you ask someone for their e-mail address.
• If you dont know anyone who DOESNT have an e-mail addresses.
• If, to you, safe sex means doing it online.
• If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online because e-mail is so much cheaper than long distance phone charges.
• If you can write a list like this.
• If you can relate to a list like this.