Modem: What cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrixs wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.

Henry Ford muere y llega al Cielo. En la puerta, San Pedro lo recibe y le dice:

Bien, tú fuiste una persona buena y ni que decir que tu invención, la línea de montaje para automóviles, cambió el mundo. Como recompensa, puedes pasear a voluntad en el Cielo. Puedes ir para cualquier lugar.

Ford piensa por un momento y solicita:

Yo quiero estar junto a Dios un rato.

Entonces, San Pedro le pide a un ángel que acompañe a Ford a la sala privada del Todopoderoso. Ford entra en la sala y le pregunta a Dios con reverencia:

Señor Todopoderoso, cuando inventaste a la mujer, ¿en qué pensabas?

¿Qué quieres decir con eso?

“Bueno, Señor, hay grandes problemas en el proyecto de tu invención:

1. No existe ningún modelo económico.

2. Hace mucho ruido cuando se calienta.

3. El mantenimiento es extremadamente caro.

4. Necesita constantemente de pintura.

5. Tiene que parar 5 días de cada 28.

6. El sistema se tapa y es necesario anularle algunos tramos.

7. Antes del primer tercio de su vida útil se le caen las defensas delanteras y traseras.

8. Las vestiduras se cuartean a los pocos kilómetros.

9. El consumo de combustible es asombroso.

10. Es muy lento comparado con el otro modelo que hiciste.

Y éstos son sólo algunos de los problemas”.

Hmmm…, aguarda un minuto.

Dios va para la Supercomputadora Celestial, hace clic en un icono de la pantalla y, casi instantáneamente, aparece un listado. Dios lee el informe, se vuelve hacia Ford y le dice:

Puede ser que mi proyecto tenga problemas como tú dices, pero aún así, en este preciso momento, hay más hombres trepados en mi invento que en el tuyo.

Un borracho sale de la cantina como a las cinco de la mañana. En eso, dando la vuelta en un callejón se le aparece Drácula. Con una voz cavernosa el vampiro le advierte:

¡Te voy a chupar la sangre!

Envalentonado por el alcohol, el temulento le encara:

¡A mí me vas a chupar la verga!

¡Bueno, pero rapidito, antes de que salga el sol!, le apresura.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preachers entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, Okay, well let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.



The preacher is astonished and replies, But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.



St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school districts ebonics translation competition.



Assignment:



Please translate the following song lyrics from ebonics to standard English.



Artist: Notorious B.I.G.

Album: Ready to Die

Song: One more chance (remix)









First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys Dummies – playboy bunnies, those wantin money Those the ones I like cause they dont get nathan But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation Garbage, I turn like doorknobs Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever However, I stay coochied down to the socks Rings and watch filled with rocks



As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and whores. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelery.







And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi Girls pee pee when they see me Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee As I lay down laws like I lay carpet Stop it – if you think your gonna make a profit



I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.







Dont see my ones, dont see my guns – get it Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia I dont know what the hells stoppin ya Im clockin ya – Versace shades watchin ya Once ya grin, Im in game, begin



Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. Im having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensives glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.







First I talk about how I dress and this And diamond necklesses – stretch Lexuses The sex is just immaculate from the back I get Deeper and deeper – help ya reach the Climax that your man cant make Call and tell him youll be home real late Lets sing the break



I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelery, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He neednt be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you wont be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.







Shes sick of that song on how its so long Thought he worked his until I handled my biz There I is – major pain like Damon Wayans Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan Schemin – dont bring your girl round me True player for real, ask Puff Daddy



Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.







You – ringin bells with bags from Chanel Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell She beeped me, meet me at twelve



Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.







Where you at? Flippin jobs, playin car notes? While Im swimmin in ya women like the breast stroke Right stroke, left stroke whats the best stroke Death stroke – tongue all down her throat Nuthin left to do but send her home to you Im through – can ya sing the song for me, boo?



You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that they leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for their presence.







So, whats it gonna be? Him or me? We can cruise the world with pearls Gator boots for girls The envy of all women, crushed linen Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in em The finest women I love with a passion Ya mans a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin



The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelery and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelery. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.







High fashion – flyin into all states Sexin me while your man masturbates Isnt this great? Your flight leaves at eight Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds Lyrically Im supposed to represent Im not only the client, Im the player president



You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelery. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! Ill return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 oclock flight. The timing is perfect becuase I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 oclock. Ill seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my hometown. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

Common sense is not so common.

A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, Dont you know Im Polish?

Oh, Im sorry, the blonde apologizes, do you want me to start over and talk slower?

OConnell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg.

Please, God, he implored, let it be blood!