Old and New Jokes

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because thats the way theyve always done it and thats the way its always been around here.

And thats how company policy begins….

Why do tug boats push their barges?

Well there was Three ladies there was a American,a Russian and a Blonde,Well the russian told the american that they went to space first,then the american said well we went to the moon first then they started making fun of tha blonde and said what have you blondes did then tha blonde said well were going to the sun first.They said you cant go to the sun youll burn up then the blonde said well we go at night!!!!LOL….haha

Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books – Humor in the
Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From
Mrs. Gilmans two volumes, here are some transquips:


Q. What is your brother-in-laws name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. Whats his first name?
A. I cant remember.
Q. Hes been your brother-in-law for years, and you cant remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you Im too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for Gods sake, tell them your first name!
——–
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
——–
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
——–
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
——–
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
——–
Q. Are you married?
A. No, Im divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didnt know about.
——–
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
——–
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
——–
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
——–
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
——–
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
——–
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
——–
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldnt pronunciate his words.
——–
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
——–
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
——–
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
——–
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
——–
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
——–
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
——–
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
——–
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
——–
Q. …and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
——–
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didnt offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
——–
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didnt see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
——–
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
——–
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said shed kill that sonofabitch – and
she did!
——–
Q. Do you drink when youre on duty?
A. I dont drink when Im on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
——–
Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
——–
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
——–
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
——–
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isnt it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
——–
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
——–
Q. (Showing man picture.) Thats you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
——–
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Once upon a time a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, I was once a handsome prince, until an
evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with mum,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and
forever feel happy doing so.

That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to
herself and thought, I dont fucking think so.

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, Why did you call me anyway? Isnt it your job to bury the dead? The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, No, I wont sleep with you tonight! Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200?

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So … the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because Da oily boid gets da woim.

There was a man who entered a local papers pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.



You no longer ask a prospective date what her sign is. Instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?



Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.



Youre amazed to find out Spam is a food.



You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.



You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.



You introduce your wife as my lady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.



At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.



After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, I feel so Colon-Right-Parenthesis!



Two words: Pizzas here

1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.

2. Came dressed in only a towel…again.

3. Ran out of paper clips.

4. Ive decided to telecommute.

5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.

6. Its a long drive home to Texas.

7. One-day sale at Macys.

8. My brain is melting!

9. I think they found me out…

10. Accidently erased the whole weeks work off the computer disk.