Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you confuse a Blonde?


A: Put her in a round room tell her to find a corner and pee in it.

Q: How does a blonde confuse you?


A: She comes out and says I did it.

Knock, knock

Whos there?



Amos.



Amos who?



A mosquito just bit me.

These are actual calls to Tech support help desks
(Some of you may find this funny while others could possibly use this section as a reference)
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.
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Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive? Customer: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?
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Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: Id like a mouse mat, please. Salesperson: Certainly sir, weve got a large variety. Customer: But will they be compatible with my computer?
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer: Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:Customer: Hi. Is this the Internet?
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Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to The Internet.
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Customer: So thatll get me connected to the Internet, right?
Tech Support: Yeah.
Customer: And thats the latest version of the Internet, right?
Tech Support: Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.
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Tech Support: Ok Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at thesame time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I dont have a P.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech Support: P on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: Im not going to do that!
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Customer: My computer crashed!
Tech Support: It crashed?
Customer: Yeah, it wont let me play my game.
Tech Support: All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.
Customer: No, it didnt crash-it crashed.
Tech Support: Huh?
Customer: I crashed my game. Thats what I said before. Now it doesnt work.
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: Click on File, then New Game.
Customer: [pause] Wow! Howd you learn how to do that?

Q: Why wont they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

You might be a redneck if…
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Dear God/Goddess,

On the assumption that you MIGHT exist, please grant me decisivity.

On the other hand, I think I like it the way it is. Indecision can be fun sometimes.

What do you think? You know, I just cant make up my mind. To have or NOT to have? I think you have to decide for me.

If you decide to make me decisive, please wrap it in a beautiful package so its aesthetically pleasing.

Love, Libra

(P/s: i wrote that myself)

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese. The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day. The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, I dont have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing.

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

This recessions really putting a big dent in my income, he told them. From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. Look, he said, I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?

A lousy quarter? the drum leader exclaimed. If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts! No way, mister. We quit!

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.