Old and New Jokes

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.
Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Dinner Special – Chicken or Beef $2.25; Turkey $2.35; Children $2.00

A man from Atlanta moved to New York.As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in. On looking around he noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which had a tag on it saying, "Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00". The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain. "Well" said the man, "its just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its story". "Ill just take the cat," said the man. "Very well, but you will be back," said the salesman. The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket. As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound. On turning around he noticed there were a couple of cats following him. The further he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he got to the Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him. "Screw this!" he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river. All the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned. The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat. "I knew you would be back. $150.00 for the story," said the salesman. "Forget the story," said the man. "Have you got a bronze Mets fan?"

Cuatro tipos estaban jugando dominó en un bar. Al rato de estar jugando, uno de ellos se levantó para ir al baño.

Aprovechando el descanso, los otros 3 se pusieron a platicar, y uno de ellos dijo:

No es por presumirles, pero a mi hijo le ha ido muy bien en el negocio de bienes raices. Ha ganado tanto dinero, que ya hasta le regaló una casa a uno de sus amigos…

El siguiente agrega:

Pues tampoco es por presumirles, pero mi hijo es distribuidor de automóviles importados, y gana tanto dinero, que ya hasta le regaló un Ferrari a uno de sus amigos…

Y el tercero la remata con:

Pues mi hijo tiene una casa de bolsa, y como le estará yendo de bien, que hasta le regalo a uno de sus amigos un paquete de acciones de las mejores…

En eso regresa el que estaba en el baño. Los tres presumidos le preguntan como le ha ido a su hijo, y el les responde:

Pues la verdad, mal. Mi hijo desde chico era medio delicadito, y ahora de mayor, se mariconeo completamente: es un homosexual declarado y trabaja en un salón de belleza del centro de la ciudad. Pero ha de ser muy bueno para lo que hace, porque uno de sus novios le regaló una casa, otro un Ferrari y otro un paquete de acciones de las más buenas…

Creativity is the art of concealing your sources.

How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? Blow in her ear.

Wayne went to the pet store to buy a parrot. One bird caught his eye: previously owned, it was especially handsome and he purchased it. As soon as the bird was settled on its perch, Wayne went to the cupboard.

You want a cracker? he asked, holding out a Saltine.

The bird looked at the snack. What are you, stupid? And blind? You think I keep my feathers rich by eating crackers, you moron? I want pate and I want it now, asshole!

Shocked by this unprovoked abuse, Wayne returned to the pet store and walked up to the proprietor.

Just who owned that bird before me anyway?! … he demanded.

Didnt I tell you? the proprietor said. You are the owner of a bird that once belonged to John McEnroe.

These are not mine. I couldnt locate the author. But they are quite
funny. So, here they are:

The letter to dad:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply cant think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

…do banks leave safe doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Youve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

An elderly Jewish man was admitted to the local hospital, which happened to be run by a Catholic order. All the nurses were nuns.

One of the nurses was preparing his records and she asked him who would be responsible for his bill.

I dont have any money, the old man told her.

Do you have any family?

I have one sister who changed her religion and became a nun, so shes an old maid.

Ill have you know that were not old maids, the nurse protested. Were married to Christ.

In that case, the old man replied, send the bill to my brother-in-law.