Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one, but the guitarist has to show him first.
A2: Six: one to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
A3: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
Did you hear that Disney is going to make a movie about Dee Dee Corodini? Yup, it will be called 101 Donations.
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with
horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled
materials.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper
and Ken.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie
with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the
ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls,
protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on
union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men.
Waitressing outfits and cashiers aprons may be purchased separately
for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends
meet.
Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct
Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own
speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so
that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly,
non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual
responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys,
expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has
the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.
Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the
cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke,
prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional:
tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes
with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary
beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nuns habit (after all,
shes still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing
because shes taken a vow of silence.
Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in
midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry,
hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says
things like I dont think so, Dang, get outta my face, and You
go, girl. Teaches girls not to take crap from men and condesending
White people.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an
autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says
Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love
handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous breast and butt,
and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also
beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o
Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmanns walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice
cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading Only the Weak
Dont Eat, and, of course, an appetite.
Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little
pay (80% of Admin Kens salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole
despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with
mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and shell Schedule+ a
meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the
laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline
tickets for Director Ken.
Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent,
hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the
box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone
tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back
and shell stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why
she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing
cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions
which need to be collated.
Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie Pull
the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death
threats for her exs new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a
Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring
finger).
Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back
and she says, Hi, Im Barbie and Im an alcoholic. Comes with a One
Day At A Time bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.
Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her
Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live
rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets,
and an arrest warrant.
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll
offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use
out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a
horse.
Americas Most Wanted Barbie: Shes on the run
after 30 years of crime against feminism.
Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this
Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like
how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbies struggle with bulimia,
Kens who wear Barbies clothes.
My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling
issues as regular teens who dont have huge wardrobes, perfect bods,
pools, and ponies.
Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American
dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after
Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.
Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder
stateswoman of the Barbie set (shes 27!) arrives in the playhouse,
all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.
Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
A: They make great anchors!
I guy comes running into his home to greet his wife. Hunney, hunney, pack your bags, I just won the lottery. She gasps with excitement and replies, should i pack for warm or cold weather? he replies, I dont care, just get the fuck out.
Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.
Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadnt been assigned this crap detail hed be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was on point now.
The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.
Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old mans car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing its job.
Outta the car, old man! demanded Redding. But officer, I havent had anything to drink! complained the old boy. Sure, you havent, oldtimer, sure you havent, replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown.
At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didnt move. What the…YOU havent been drinking, old timer!
But thats what I tried to tell you back there, officer! Well then why were you stumbling all over the place? asked Redding. Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the designated drunk when the place closed down!
A travelling salesmans car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He gets out and tries to find something close by — and comes upon a farm. Not believing his luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers.
Sir, says the salesman. Could you help me? My cars broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night.
Sure, says the farmer. But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there.
Oh, crap, says the salesman. Im in the wrong joke.
With the hunchback still dead, and his no-armed replacement still dead, the church leader still needs a bell ringer. He posts a sign outside the church and another no-armed man shows up to take the job.
The frustrated church leader says, The last no-armed guy died trying to ring this bell, what makes you think you can do it?
The no-armed man says, Ive been without my arms since birth and therefore have much more experience. Besides, I desperately need the job to feed my family.
The church leader, feeling sorry for the man, says, OK give it a try.
And, as expected, the no-armed man tries to pull the rope with his teeth, stumbles and falls to his death.
The church leader rushes down to the sidewalk just as a policeman arrives. The policeman says, OK, this is two deaths in two days. Does anybody know who this guy is?
The church leader says, Im sorry, I didnt ask, but hes a dead ringer for the guy who was in here yesterday!
Two guys are in a bar and the guy says to his friend, I wanna lose 10 pounds.
His friend says, Okay give me one hundred dollars.
The guy gives him the money and leaves the bar.
A day later a hot chick is in the guys front yard. She says, If you can catch me, I will have sex with you.
The guy chases her around for an hour and loses 10 pounds.
The next day a guy tells the first guys friend, I wanna lose 20 pounds.
The friend says, Okay give me two hundred dollars.
The second guy gives the friend the money and leaves.
The next day a hot chick is in the second guys yard.
She says, If you can catch me you can have sex with me.
The second guy chases her around for two hours and loses 20 pounds.
The next day a fast olympic athlete tells the guys friend he wants to lose 30 pounds.
The guys friend thinks and then finally says, Okay give me three hundred dollars.
The athlete gives him the money and leaves.
The next day theres a 10 foot tall, male gorilla in his yard with a sign that says, If I catch you, you have to have sex with me.