This is probably old, but I heard it from a friend for the first time
a couple of days ago:
Two Kentuckians [or your favorite ethnic/social group] were driving
a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet
zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately,
the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didnt know what to do,
when finally one of them looked both directions and said, I dont
see any cops, lets go for it!
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which theyd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, I wouldnt eat that if I were you.
Why not?
I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.
Un loco que habitaba en el sexto piso de un edificio tenÃa desconcertado a un señor porque cada vez que pasaba rumbo a su trabajo, el chiflado le apuntaba con la mano en forma de pistola y le disparaba desde la ventana.
Llegó el dÃa en que el tipo decide seguirle el juego al orate: apunta con la mano y le dispara al chalado que se asomaba desde la ventana; éste se lleva las manos al pecho, se desploma y cae al pavimento.
El hombre, sorprendido, corre a auxiliarlo. El loco moribundo lo mira y le reclama:
Yo nunca te disparé al cuerpo.
A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, I was just stung by a bee!
The golf pro asks, Where?
Still screaming, the woman replies, Between the first and second hole.
The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, It sounds like your stance is too wide.
Greeners Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
(Ill tell you tomorrow.)
Recently, on an outing with my scout troop, the question came up of when the new millenium will begin–January 1st 2000 or 2001.
So the Scoutmaster explained that each century begins with year 1 and ends with year 100-thus the reason why the 20th century began at the start of 1901 and will end at the close of 2000.
To illustrate his point, he gathered 15 berries and asked the boys how many he had.
Each boy correctly answered 15.
His next question was, Now which berry is number 0?
To which one boy blurted out, The one that isnt there!
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society.
DIRECTRA – A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites stores return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA – Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! its the 90s!, hed be
Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, hed be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, hed be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to
marry Kenny G., hed be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quarks brother on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, hed be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, hed be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory
Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, hed be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin
Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all
nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short
Guy.
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.