Old and New Jokes

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

En medio de un camino desolado, un tipo detiene su auto y se baja con el fin de mover unas piedras que le estaban obstruyendo el paso. Pero al bajar del auto, el hombre es asaltado por un anciano con una pistola que le ordena:

¡Bájese los pantalones y mastúrbese!

Sorprendido el fulano obedece.

¡Otra vez!

Y así hasta que al llegar a una tercera vez, el sujeto no puede más. Entonces, el setentón se dirige a unos arbustos y grita:

¡Hija, ya puedes salir, este hombre es quien te va a llevar al pueblo!

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, Im the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

One of the others said. Thats nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.

The third surgeon said, You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horses ass and a cowboy hat. Now hes president of the United States.

From the rehu-l list where it had been posted from the Whim list.

From American Demographics magazine:

Heres a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages:

• When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, Fly in leather, it came out in Spanish as Fly naked.
• Coors put its slogan, Turn it loose, into Spanish, where it was read as Suffer from diarrhea.
• Chicken magnate Frank Perdues line, It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, sounds much more interesting in Spanish: It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.
• When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of v is f – which makes Vicks in German the phonetic equivalent of sexual penetration.
• Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that Puff in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
• The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. No va means doesnt go in Spanish.
• When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA – with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa that companies routinely put pictures on the label of whats inside since more people cant read.
• When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, Come alive, youre in the Pepsi generation pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.
• When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like Coca-Cola. The only problem was that the characters used meant Bite the wax tadpole. They later changed to a set of characters that mean Happiness in the mouth.
• A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the Mist Stick, a curling iron, into Germany to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

— U. S. District Attorney, prosecuting inventor Lee Deforest for fraud, 1913

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldnt.

The pig was killed.

The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

What happened? asked the President.

Well, the driver replied the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.

My God, what did you tell them? asked the President.

The driver replied: Im Bill Clintons driver, and I just killed the pig.

At U. of Michigan, we used to tell this one about Michigan State, however, any despised college will do.

Bubba, the most popular football player at Michigan State had completed his eligibility, and was set to graduate. The problem was, he had never attended a course, or learned anything. The Dean and football coach wanted to graduate him, however, to stave off student revolt.

Still, they had to have him demonstrate some sort of competence. So, at the graduation ceremony, when Bubbas name was called, he went up to the front.

Bubba, if you can pass this test, you graduate, said the Dean. What is two plus two?

Bubba, thought for awhile, counted on his fingers, and with a puzzled, yet hopeful voice, said, Duh, four?

A cry went up in unison from the student body, seated in their caps and gowns: Aw, give him another chance!

The heads of the four branches of the armed (US) military were standing around one day talking about which service had the biggest balls. After a lengthy debate, the four came to the conclusion demonstrations would have to be used to decide which was the best of the services.

First they went to an Army base. The Army general went up to a young soldier and to him to run through the firing range.

With a quick, Yes, sir! the private took off. Not five steps into his mission, he was hit several times and killed.

The Army general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

Next they arrived at an air base where the Air Force general ordered a young airman to dive out of a plane at 10,000 feet, without a parachute.

The airman said, Yes sir. and off he went. When at the required altitude, the airman hurled himself from the plane. He hit the ground with a nauseating squish.

The Air Force general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

The next stop was a Marine base. The Marine general ordered the first Marine he found to lay down in front of an oncoming tank.

The Marine barked, Yes Sir! and ran out on the field. The tank roared over the poor Marine leaving very little to bury.

The Marine general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

Finally they went to the coast to a naval base. The Navy Admiral walks up to one of the carriers docked at the pier and yells up to a young deck seaman.

Sailor, I want you to jump off that carrier down to the pier where Im standing.

The Sailor looks down at the admiral and said, Pardon me sir?

The admiral replied, I want you to jump off that ship on to the pier.

The Sailor looks down at the seven stories to the pier, turns back to the admiral and says, FUCK YOU SIR!

The admiral turns to the other three with a grin from ear to ear and says, Now THAT takes Balls!

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtles one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:

Whats wrong with your turtle?

Not a thing, the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!

Not a chance!, replies the barkeep.

Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Ill bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.

So the bartender, thinking its an easy $500, agrees.

The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says –

I WIN… Told you itll be there before your dog!

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including, but not limited to, the following:

Buying a stronger whip.
Changing riders.
Threatening the horse with termination.
Appointing a committee to study the horse.
Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
Change the form so that it reads: This horse is not dead.
Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
Providing additional funding to increase the horses performance.
Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

10. No one wants to come near you.



9. You can legally take sedatives.



8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.



7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.



6. You can smell like a baboons butt and nobody complains.



5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.



4. No matter how bad you feel, its still better than how you felt after last months tequila n gin party.



3. Star Trek re-runs.



2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.



1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.