Old and New Jokes

I think, therefore Im paid.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, The bad news is that now that weve caught you, were going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says, I take ze poison. The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, Vive la France! and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, A pistol for me, please. The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, God save the queen! and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, Gimme a fork. The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over –the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Theres blood gushing out all over, its horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, What are you doing???

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, So much for your canoe, asshole!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thatcher!
Thatcher who?
Thatcher could get away with it!

The patients family gathered to hear what the specialist had to say.
Things dont look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.

Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relatives.
For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patients daughter was unsatisfied and asked,
Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?

A standard pricing practice, said the head of the team. Womens brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used.

Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?

A: Not even the pool table has balls.

Bush/Cheney 04: Four More Wars

Bush/Cheney 04: Leave No Billionaire Behind

Bush/Cheney 04: Deja-Voodoo All Over Again!

Bush/Cheney 04: Compassionate Colonialism

Bush/Cheney 04: Because the Truth Just Isnt Good Enough

Bush/Cheney 04: Making the World a Better Place, One Country at a Time

Bush/Cheney 04: Over a Billion Whoppers Served.

Bush/Cheney 04: Putting the Con in Conservative

Bush/Cheney 04: Thanks for Not Paying Attention.

Bush/Cheney 04: The Last Vote Youll Ever Have to Cast

Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil

Bush/Cheney 04: Were Gooder!

Bush/Cheney 04: This Time, Elect Us!

George W. Bush: The Buck Stops Over There

George W. Bush: A Brainwave Away from the Presidency

Dont think. Vote Bush!

More Trees, Less Bush

It Takes a Village Idiot

One Person, One Vote (*May Not Apply in Certain States)

Bring Back Monica Lewinsky

A man hasnt been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

Im afraid I have some very bad news, the doctor says. Youre dying, and you dont have much time left.

Oh, thats terrible! says the man. How long have I got?

Ten, the doctor says sadly.

Ten? the man asks. Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?

Nine…

Dont ever lie to us; we always find out.
We dont enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
Dont say you understand when you dont.
Girls are petty; get over it.
You dont have PMS; dont act like you know what its like.
Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
If you talk about having a big dick; we know you dont.
Size does matter.
We dont like it when you act like Mr. Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big.
A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
Its good to be sensitive, sometimes.
If you did something wrong or even if you didnt, apologize.
Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie wont always cut it.
We are self-conscious by nature; we cant help it.
We are drama queens.
Fashion police do exist.
Dont ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.
Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
We dont shave our legs every day; get over it.
Dont make bets about us; we always find out.
Shave; no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from you body, it is not.
Dont compare our breasts to Pamela Andersons; hers are fake. (and not there anymore)
It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
We are beautiful, but make-up helps.
We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we arent.
You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hell cant you piss in the toilet and not on it.
Most importantly; we are always right; so dont forget it.

There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting.The topic of birth control came up and they started

comparing methods.

The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It

had been effective for them since they had started using it after

their 4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated

having to watch the calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her

husband would remember to buy them himself.

The fourth woman said

that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method.

They used the saucer and pail method. All ears were opened at that

comment. She went on to explain…. Her husband is shorter than

she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his

eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath

him.