Old and New Jokes

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

What is the newest game at the white house?

Swallowing the leader!

(This allegedly really happened in Canada. I heard it from a
friend. After posting it in rec.backcountry I got some requests to
post it here.)

Some guy on drugs jumped over a cliff but did not quite succeed in
killing himself. The rescue team tied his unconscious body into a
Stokes litter and proceeded to evacuate by means of a fixed line
flyaway. This means that the litter is suspended a couple of
hundred feet below a helicopter which then flies to a level place
where they can set him down (carefully) and either load him in the
aircraft or otherwise take further care of him. The patient is
accompanied by one attendant tied into the litter.

This patient began to regain consciousness during the flight.
Remember he is flying across the sky and being marginally conscious
(as well as probably still feeling the effects of whatever drug he
took) probably doesnt notice either the helicopter or the cable
attaching him to it. The attendant, who happens to have a nice
bushy beard, notices that the patient is starting to come around
and in an effort to keep him calm says in his most soothing voice:

Dont worry, Ill take care of you. My name is Peter.

The effect was somewhat less soothing than hoped for and the
attendant decided that next time he would use a name other than
Peter.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?

A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?

A: Tell her shes pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?

A: Is it mine?

Q: What are the worst six years in a blondes life?

A: Third grade.

Q: What did the blonde get on her IQ test?

A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A: A dope ring.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, Where do pets come from?

Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I dont see you anymore. Im lonesome here and its difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.

And the Lord said, No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was pleased.

And the Dog was pleased.

And the Cat didnt care one way or the other.

6. Go into the other genders bathroom without fear of being caught.

Little Johnnys teacher asked him, Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, bitter end in it.

Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.

El marido le dice a su mujer:

¿Me podrías avisar, por favor, cuando tengas un orgasmo?

¡Pero cariño, si me dijiste que no podía llamarte al trabajo!

***

Una pareja está en un restaurante. El le dice a ella:

Mira, la chica del vestido rojo me está sonriendo.

¡Ya! La primera vez que te vi, yo también me oriné de la risa.

***

María, prométeme que cuando me muera te casarás con Antonio.

¡Pero, si es tu peor enemigo!

¡Pues por eso, que se joda!

***

Adán y Eva paseaban por el paraíso. Y Eva pregunta:

Adán, ¿me amas?

Y Adán refunfuñando:

¿Tengo otra alternativa?

***

Le pregunta un pequeño a su padre:

Papá, ¿por qué te casaste con mamá?

Tú tampoco te lo explicas, ¿verdad?

Sex is like air, its not important until you arent getting any!

To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.