Old and New Jokes

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

What is the difference between a porkipine and a brand new BMW?

Porcupines have the pricks on the outside!!!

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Russian men and 1 Russian woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere …

The 1st Italian man has killed the other for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois …

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman, and she is waiting for someone to introduce her to the American men.

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least its not snowing and the taxes are low.

The American woman has filed a law suit for sexual harrassement against both American men, and they are suing each other for libel. The woman has also become a Scientologist and is having an affair with the Bulgarian woman. One of the men has become a Bahaist and befriended the wildlife on the island, while the second has become a born-again christian and attends councelling sessions with the two Swedish men.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They dont remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English arent getting any …

The first Russian man married the Russian woman and divorced her. He is the best customer of the Irish distillery.

The other Russian man made money by actually killing the Italian on contract and by arranging exit visas for the Bulgarians; with that he acquired a controlling 33.33% share in the Irish distillery including the world-wide distribution rights to the English and he hired the Greeks as sales agents. He employs both Germans as bodyguards (hence the strict schedule) both for himself and for his Russian girlfriend, and has promised the Bulgarian woman that she can become the maid of their first child. He regularly sees the Swedish woman to learn English.

In the mean time, the French still think they are alone on the island.

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?

Yes, the golfer responded.

Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?

Yes, I did. How did you know? he asked.

Well, said the policeman very seriously, Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a drivers windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldnt make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…

I think Ill close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.

…for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, Wouldnt it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me? He went back to gathering the snails.All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together. At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no! My wifes dinner party! He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where hes been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, Come on guys, were almost there!

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, Why do you dress funny?

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priests plastic collar tab and asked, Do you have an owie?

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him.

On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, Do you know what those words say?

Yes I do, said the lad, though he was not yet old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, Kills ticks and fleas for up to six months!

The media attention given John Glenns mission has convinced NASA to give more celebrities a shuttle ride in the name of science.

Who should be next, and why?

George Michael – Friction in a Weightless Environment.

Hanson – Analysis of the *_Mmmmm-Bop_* Comet.

Dan Quayle – Vacuum vs. Vacuum: Which is Emptier?

Pamela Anderson Lee – Survey of Heavenly Bodies.

(original source unknown)

What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections? A wine and cheese party!

Your so dumb, you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.