Old and New Jokes

One day, on a notice board, a message was written:

A parker pn lost if found plz return to me The next day, another notice was put up:

If anybody finds a E plz add it to the spelling of PEN

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. Theyre all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.

THE DEAN





Leaps tall buildings in a single bound



Is more powerful than a locomotive



Is faster than a speeding bullet



Walks on water



Gives policy to God





THE DEPARTMENT HEAD



Leaps short buildings in a single bound



Is more powerful than a switch engine



Is just as fast as a speeding bullet



Talks with God





PROFESSOR



Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds



Is almost as powerful a switch engine



Is faster than a speeding BB



Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool



Talks with God if a special request is honored





ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR



Barely clears a quonset hut



Loses tug of war with a locomotive



Can fire a speeding bullet



Swims well



Is occasionally addressed by God





ASSISTANT PROFESSOR



Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings



Is run over by locomotives



Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury



Treads water



Talks to animals





INSTRUCTOR



Climbs walls continually



Rides the rails



Plays russian roulette



Walks on thin ice



Prays a lot





GRADUATE STUDENT



Runs into buildings



Recognizes locomotives two out of three times



Is not issued ammunition



Can stay afloat with a life jacket



Talks to walls





UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT



Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings



Says Look at the choo-choo



Wets himself with a water pistol



Plays in mud puddles



Mumbles to himself

The number of floppies it will ship on.





The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.





The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.





The number of pages in the EASY INSTALL version of the manual.





The percentage of existing programs that wont run in the new version.





The number of minutes to install.





The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.





The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.





The number of MHz required for the operating system to run.





The year it was due to ship.





The 98 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.





Bill Gates age when it ships.





The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.





The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at usable speed.





The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.

One of Gods Frozen children.

An April 7th newspaper had an AP photo taken in Washington DC. The photo was of a Ringling Brothers circus elephant with Newt on one side and Bob Dole on the other side. How appropriate – a circus elephant with a CLOWN on either side.

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you dont. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogss response to the command sit !, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your humans attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesnt get the attention you require … especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If youre lucky, a human will love you in return.

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandmas kitchen.

Wheres my bucket and wheres my water? Grandma asked him.

I cant get any water from that water hole, Grandma, exclaimed Johnny.

Theres a big ol alligator down there!

Now dont you mind that ol alligator, Johnny. Hes been there for a few years now, and hes never hurt no one. Why, hes probably as scared of you as you are of him!

Well, Grandma, replied Johnny, if hes as scared of me as I am of him, then that water aint fit to drink!

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The
cashier asks, What size?

The man replies, Size? I didnt know they came in sizes.

Yes, they do, she says, What size do you want?

Well, gee, I dont know, the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and
measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence.
While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the
fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they
return, the cashier asks, What will it be? Small, medium, or large?

The man replies, To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of
that fence back there!

Chris Ott