Old and New Jokes

On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

4 potato latkes

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

5 bowls of chicken soup

4 potato latkes

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

6 pickled herrings

5 bowls of chicken soup

4 potato latkes

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

7 noodle kugels

6 pickled herrings

5 bowls of chicken soup

4 potato latkes

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me

8 Alka- Seltzer

7 noodle kugels

6 pickled herrings

5 bowls of chicken soup

4 potato latkes

3 pounds of corned beef

2 Kosher pickles and

Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None o yo freakin bitness!

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders dont last as long as light bulbs.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Both of them.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say Fabulous.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Twelve. Ya got a problem with dat?

Q. How many mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. 2, the trick is getting them IN there.

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.

Oh God,that was great! Now I need my money. The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.

Then the hooker says, No, I need my money. Im a hooker and this is how I make a living.

The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to hooker. She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:

HOOKER: person who has sex for money.

Then the koala bear turns the page to koala bear and walks out the door. The hooker reads:

KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves.

Q. What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

A. They both have the same middle name – THE

The following of course comes from the anthropology section of the National
Geographic library and is based on scientific evidence of European behavioural
trends:

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere…

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.

The 2 Frenchmen and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a
trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule and alternate with the German
woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and
cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and
started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman
keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism.

But at least its not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-South side and setting up a
distillery. They dont remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort
of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey.

But at least they know the English arent getting any…!!!

A mom of an 8 year old boy was awaiting her sons arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didnt understand the answer to that million dollar question. Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?

The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was. The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the mans stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.

The mom told her boy that that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint…that the sperm came out of the mans penis.

Suddenly, the boys face became quite red and he said, YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!!??

La señora dueña de la casa llama a casimira la sirvienta o mucama y le dice:

Clodomira a partir de mañana queda despedida, no aguanto mas sus malos genios y su alboroto aquí en la casa.

La sirvienta le contesta:

Ay mi señora, usted me despide porque tengo una cara mas bonita que usted.

No sea atorrante, le contesta la señora ¿quien te ha dicho esto?

Su esposo mi señora, contesta la muchacha.

Arregla tus cosas y te vas le dice la señora.

Si mi señora, pero estoy segura que usted me echa porque tengo las piernas más bonitas que usted.

¿Pero quién te dijo eso?

Su esposo mi señora.

Salga inmediatamente de esta casa, pedazo de mugre.

Está bien mi señora… pero estoy segura que usted me despide porque en la cama hago mejor el amor que usted.

¡Fuera de mi casa! ¿Ahora me vas decir que eso también te lo dijo mi esposo?

No mi señora, en eso su esposo si es muy respetuoso. Eso me lo dijo su chofer…

A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop…

Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend.



You came to the right place. How about a parrot?



I dont know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal.



It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you.



The pet shop worker raises the parrots right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish.. The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh… The match is then removed.



The man enthusiastically says, Thats really neat. Let me hear the third song.



The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrots legs. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.